Once upon a time, there was a boy named Nathan Young in the far away land of Arkansas. He grew up in a Christian home and with Christian friends. He had faced trials of many kinds, and was going to school for music ministry. He could play the bass guitar, but his passion was playing ukulele. He liked to say that he was learning guitar, but he really wasn't teaching himself much. He loved shooting people with Nerf guns. And he just liked causing fun trouble in general.
Nathan's grades had been slipping already. His friendships fragmenting. He started to question what God's plan was in his life, if it was to just fail. But for the time being, he held his head high and went with the punches. He kept living life as if it were just some simple little step-by-step process that he had figured out. Then February 2012 happened.
He was in chapel one day and singing songs like the rest of his friends, when he realized that he didn't really agree with what he was singing about. Did he really want to be in the arms of the creator of the universe? The one who can destroy nations and level cities in a matter of seconds?
Nathan's doubts began to amplify from that one statement. He began to be depressed and started to push his friends away. He didn't realize it at first, but he was beginning to be suicidal. He finally broke and wrote a blog post on his blog about why he didn't believe in a God and that if He existed, that he was just out to mess with Nathan. Nathan didn't know who he wanted to be, much less what God wanted him to be. He concluded that God didn't have a plan for him and that He didn't love Nathan at all.
Then he started to hate his friends and his life. He wanted the pain to end. He posted another blog post to a friend he had known for a while. He talked about his confusion and how he just wanted the pain to end. He just wanted to get things figured out. He hated being confused and trapped. He was talking to his friend about what God wanted and Nathan refused to believe. He was also struggling with a want to be included. He had felt really left out by his friends, his family, and God. He felt that they had forgotten him. That GOD had forgotten him. After a really heated argument, his friend finally asked him, "What would happen if you died tomorrow?" Nathan responded, "Then I guess my body rots." He had had enough. He went to sleep and reasoned that sleep would help him. It didn't. He woke up feeling worse than before. He went through his day with a bad attitude. He tried to change his attitude, but nothing worked. He finally had enough. He was sitting in a practice room staring at his music, just not paying attention to it. He pulled his pocket knife out. He put it to his neck. It felt so right to him. He was ready to die. He wanted to die. But something stopped him from moving his arm. He put his knife down. He packed up his music and went to his dorm. He attempted sleep. It was mostly just tossing and turning the whole night. He woke up the next day and went to class. He still didn't want to live. Nathan's family came and visited him from home. He had a long conversation with them. His father told him that he just didn't see hope without God. He said he looked out his front door every morning and saw God in nature. He wanted to go back to campus after that. He hadn't felt more isolated from his friends until that Friday. He was invited along to everything, but he felt like an outsider. Like he was being excluded from everything. He went to bed that night and decided to try to sleep it all off. He woke up like usual, but decided to eat by himself in the caf that day. He went to do work and started talking to a friend. He began to see the pain and worry that he had caused. He had put his friends through a lot. He finally decided to give God one last chance. He tried to pray to God and to demand a sign from Him. He asked God to show himself. Nathan wanted to believe, he just hadn't found adequate reason to.
He went to church the next day. The pastor was telling of how he had strayed from God and God kept calling him back, sending an army. Just like he was for Nathan. Nathan left and sat silently at lunch that day. He finished and started working on theory homework. Regular Sunday. Then he made the decision to go to the Gathering that night. He went with a close friend and listened to the speaker speak. She spoke of not feeling welcome in her own hometown. Just like Nathan was in his group of friends. The chapel band came up. They started singing songs of praise and adoration. Nathan stood silently by. Suddenly, God showed himself to Nathan.
Nathan stood and saw the cross. Not a clean polished wood cross or a metal cross on a necklace, but a splintered, rough, wooden cross. He saw the man attached to it. He saw the nails go through his hands and feet. He saw the blood pour down into his eyes. He looked into those eyes for a long time. For the longest time he hated those eyes. He wanted those eyes to answer questions. He wanted those eyes to help him. He wanted those eyes to die. Then he saw something that changed his outlook entirely. He didn't see pain or worry of death, he saw pity staring back at him. The eyes that he wished would die were feeling pity for him. Nathan couldn't tell why. He hated those eyes. If it were Nathan looking down, he wouldn't offer one look at the person he now saw himself to be. Nathan would send himself to Hell if he were in Jesus' place. But Jesus didn't. He spoke to Nathan. "I did this for you. Why do you run? I will only chase after you. Why do you doubt? I've given you the truth. Why do you hate me? I will only love you." Nathan was broken. He collapsed on the pew and wept. Wept for the pain he caused his friends and family. Wept for the doubt he had. Wept for the people who had not met this figure before him. The one who so easily forgave Nathan. He left God. God never left him. God had walked through the wall of solid hate that Nathan had built up. He was ready for God to take him into his arms. He was ready for the arms that so easily destroyed nations and leveled cities. He was ready for the arms that so easily forgave and healed. He was ready to come back. It was the only thing he could do.
If you find yourself running from God or feel like He has abandoned you, don't. He will never leave you. When you think He has, it's probably you running from him. Never doubt a Father's love. Never think that you can run away so far He'll never reach you. never believe that God doesn't love you. I have. I know how hard it is to believe. I looked at life as a suicidal atheist. I saw no hope. I saw no reason to keep doing what I was doing. Let me tell you something: DON'T LET SATAN LIE TO YOU!!!! He whispers in your ear things that sound like truth, but in reality, he's just trying to get past your defenses. He prowls around like a hungry lion. What is a hungry lion doing when prowling? Figuring out a weakness. Don't let your defense down for a second. God is waiting with open arms. He's ready. He is running to catch you when you fall.
I've been to rock bottom. I know what it feels like. I know what it's like to feel trapped. You don't have to. If you have questions, talk to me. I'm ready to share my story. Never feel like you have to go through it alone.
