This post is just to kinda organize my thoughts so that I can make sense of what happened to me. This isn't a post to encourage or make you feel all happy inside. Now that you have been warned, bear with me.
I'm filled with so many questions. Sometimes I feel like I ask to many, but other times, I feel like I don't ask enough. What is my real name (Revelation 2:17)? Why can't I hear God's voice? Is it selfish if I want to leave the earth and go to heaven right now (especially with midterms coming up...)? Will I recieve a new body or will my Spirit be taken to heaven? Is it selfish of me to wish I could hear God call out my name?
I guess I need to calm down, but somehow, I can't let the thought of not being able to hear God calling my name out of my head. Will it be a peaceful sensation, or will it be filled with trembling? Am I even ready to hear God call my name? I guess it may be a little selfish of me to with that I could hear God call my name, but all the same, I wish I could hear that simple little thing. I sat out on a fallen tree for ten minutes or more trying to be silent so I could hear that whisper. I didn't hear anything but the creek flowing through the rocks. I tend to be a deep thinker, but I was concentrating so hard for silence that I either missed it or wasn't concentrating enough. Or neither.
I'm sorry if this seems a little selfish to wish I could hear God calling my name, but I really want to hear His voice. I want to feel His presence. I want to hear that God is there. I guess I'm much like Thomas when he doubts WITHOUT seeing. I want to see/hear God speak to me.
What happens when we die? Do we have a spirit and body? Or are the two inseperable? Do we have a new body when we get to heaven? Does our spirit go to heaven and our body stay here? Do we get a new body as soon as we die?
I'm not going back to that pit I came from last year; I'm having way too much fun in Discipleship and Evangelism for that to happen. I still have doubts, yes. Who doesn't? I ask a lot of questions. Yeah, probably. Probably not enough questions. I just have questions. Asking questions is how I learn best. Getting thoughts into language form isn't always that easy for me. One thing is for certain, I'm NOT going back to that pit ever again.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
The Boy That Satan Tormented
*Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction inspired by a true story. I do not claim to be able to see how God and Satan interact, this is only my mind telling a story.*
One day, Satan decided to come before God. "Oh, Mighty Lord. I see a boy in your creation. I wish to see how he reacts to my doings," Satan sneers.
God's booming voice responded, "Why do you wish to do so?"
"I wish to try what I did to Job again. You say that this boy will not deny you?"
"I said no such thing. He will deny me."
"Then my victory is complete!" Satan stated with glee.
"I never said that, either," God responded. "Do as you wish to the boy, but on the child himself, DO NOT lay a hand."
Satan slinked away to carry out what he was commanded to do. He went to the boy's room. He followed the boy around hiding in the shadows, watching his every move. He learned the boy's schedule. He learned the boy's faults. He found a crack in the wall around his heart. When the time was right, Satan attacked the wall. He threw bad grades at the boy, he threw late nights at him, he even tossed in a few poisoned friendships. Finally when he felt that victory was his, he entered the wall and brought his minions with him to whisper in the boy's ear. Lies that told the boy that he was worthless, that he wouldn't ever be content, that nobody cared about him, that God had abandoned him. His victory was so close. Then finally, the boy broke. He cursed God. He wished God would leave him alone. He left the social circle and wished that he himself could die. He was sitting in a room by himself when Satan was jumping up and down with glee.
"My victory is almost complete!" Satan screeched. He saw the boy pull out a pocket knife and place the blade on his neck. "Do it!" Satan whispered in his ear. "Nobody wants you here! Go ahead and kill yourself!"
Suddenly an explosion rocked Satan's world. He flew through the air, away from the boy. Angels had taken him away from the boy. Three formed a wall around the boy and one leaned down and whispered in his ear. "Stop. Give it some time." The boy put the blade down and left the room.
Satan glared at the angels and screeched, "That's not fair!"
God's voice boomed through the heavens, "I am not finished with him."
Satan moaned and yelled, "Why!?!"
"For the my Glory, that all that come in come in contact with the boy will know my healing power," God rumbled through the sky. Several days passed with no one speaking to the boy. In that time, the boy began to build a wall of hate and self denial. Finally, God spoke to Jesus. "Show yourself to Nathan. Tell him that We love him. Tell him to come to us again. Tell him that nothing he can do will take our love away from him."
"I will do so," Jesus replied. Sunday night, when the boy had dragged himself to a church service to see if God would speak to him had a surprise when Jesus came to him on the cross. "Why do you hate me? I did this for you. Why do you run? I will only pursue." The boy's walls crumbled. He stood before the Lord, stripped of all defenses, broken. He begged for forgiveness. "I've already given it to you," Jesus replied. "Nathan, We will never abandon you. You are precious in Our sight. We love you very much."
Satan gagged at the sight. "Yuck! I will win this battle, God!" He shouted at the Lord.
God chuckled and it sounded like thunder. "Have you ever read Revelation?" God said to Satan. "That will be one promise you can't keep."
One day, Satan decided to come before God. "Oh, Mighty Lord. I see a boy in your creation. I wish to see how he reacts to my doings," Satan sneers.
God's booming voice responded, "Why do you wish to do so?"
"I wish to try what I did to Job again. You say that this boy will not deny you?"
"I said no such thing. He will deny me."
"Then my victory is complete!" Satan stated with glee.
"I never said that, either," God responded. "Do as you wish to the boy, but on the child himself, DO NOT lay a hand."
Satan slinked away to carry out what he was commanded to do. He went to the boy's room. He followed the boy around hiding in the shadows, watching his every move. He learned the boy's schedule. He learned the boy's faults. He found a crack in the wall around his heart. When the time was right, Satan attacked the wall. He threw bad grades at the boy, he threw late nights at him, he even tossed in a few poisoned friendships. Finally when he felt that victory was his, he entered the wall and brought his minions with him to whisper in the boy's ear. Lies that told the boy that he was worthless, that he wouldn't ever be content, that nobody cared about him, that God had abandoned him. His victory was so close. Then finally, the boy broke. He cursed God. He wished God would leave him alone. He left the social circle and wished that he himself could die. He was sitting in a room by himself when Satan was jumping up and down with glee.
"My victory is almost complete!" Satan screeched. He saw the boy pull out a pocket knife and place the blade on his neck. "Do it!" Satan whispered in his ear. "Nobody wants you here! Go ahead and kill yourself!"
Suddenly an explosion rocked Satan's world. He flew through the air, away from the boy. Angels had taken him away from the boy. Three formed a wall around the boy and one leaned down and whispered in his ear. "Stop. Give it some time." The boy put the blade down and left the room.
Satan glared at the angels and screeched, "That's not fair!"
God's voice boomed through the heavens, "I am not finished with him."
Satan moaned and yelled, "Why!?!"
"For the my Glory, that all that come in come in contact with the boy will know my healing power," God rumbled through the sky. Several days passed with no one speaking to the boy. In that time, the boy began to build a wall of hate and self denial. Finally, God spoke to Jesus. "Show yourself to Nathan. Tell him that We love him. Tell him to come to us again. Tell him that nothing he can do will take our love away from him."
"I will do so," Jesus replied. Sunday night, when the boy had dragged himself to a church service to see if God would speak to him had a surprise when Jesus came to him on the cross. "Why do you hate me? I did this for you. Why do you run? I will only pursue." The boy's walls crumbled. He stood before the Lord, stripped of all defenses, broken. He begged for forgiveness. "I've already given it to you," Jesus replied. "Nathan, We will never abandon you. You are precious in Our sight. We love you very much."
Satan gagged at the sight. "Yuck! I will win this battle, God!" He shouted at the Lord.
God chuckled and it sounded like thunder. "Have you ever read Revelation?" God said to Satan. "That will be one promise you can't keep."
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Pain and Rememberance
So I've been kinda quiet here lately, but with good reason. I've been taking a discipleship and evangelism class that has kinda been blowing my mind with some difficult questions. I have yet to come up with answers. It's a process. BUT that's not what this post is for.
I've been having a time of silence and solitude every week for this class that increases by ten minutes every week. Today was for fifty minutes. I went down to the fallen tree behind North-I mean...uh...Hutch, and sat there for fifty minutes. Almost not doing anything. Most of the beginning of my time was spent trying to clear my mind. It took a while but it finally happened.
A little background before I go any deeper, every time I've had a time of silence and solitude, God has somehow brought up the time when I ran from him last year. Aside from my many...many........MANY requests, God still brings it up. I hated myself then and I don't want to remember that time. I don't want to go back to that pit. I'm still healing from that. I asked myself multiple times, "Why do you want me to go back to that time, God? I was glad to be rid of it!" *background over*
SO, today, God decided to bring up a point that I haven't thought about, like ever. We sometimes tend to focus on just the pain of our past that we forget to focus on the healing. What happens after we've been hurt? We heal. In this discipleship and evangelism class, the professor brought up a point I haven't thought about as well. He said something along the lines of "We try to cover up our wounds. Sometimes God comes along and takes off the bandage and digs around inside that wound and cleans it up better than we could."
The healing. It's a strong concept. Whether you're talking cells healing themselves, emotional pain, or even the environment slowly healing, it's a concept that won't go away. It's always there. Even in death, the body erodes away and gives nutrients to the ground around it. And some of healing is almost unbelievable. Accounts have been recorded of people miraculously not having cancer right before going in for surgery or Chemo. As I have mentioned in a previous post, we long for a release. It is our nature to be pulled tight and stressed, but we long for the healing.
So I offer a word of encouragement: You may be going through a struggle and feel that it will never end. You may think that it's not worth it to keep going. Don't let those lies be twisted into your thinking. Time will heal things. I am living proof of this. I was beyond forgiveness and beyond hurt, I almost went beyond the point of no return. But I was healed.
In the midst of remembering a dark time and still longing for healing, God provided me hope. And that helped heal me. Hope of a better future because I know that God never left me. Hope of knowledge. Hope of healing.
We tend to focus too much on hardships and pain when we endure it. What about the healing that comes after?
I've been having a time of silence and solitude every week for this class that increases by ten minutes every week. Today was for fifty minutes. I went down to the fallen tree behind North-I mean...uh...Hutch, and sat there for fifty minutes. Almost not doing anything. Most of the beginning of my time was spent trying to clear my mind. It took a while but it finally happened.
A little background before I go any deeper, every time I've had a time of silence and solitude, God has somehow brought up the time when I ran from him last year. Aside from my many...many........MANY requests, God still brings it up. I hated myself then and I don't want to remember that time. I don't want to go back to that pit. I'm still healing from that. I asked myself multiple times, "Why do you want me to go back to that time, God? I was glad to be rid of it!" *background over*
SO, today, God decided to bring up a point that I haven't thought about, like ever. We sometimes tend to focus on just the pain of our past that we forget to focus on the healing. What happens after we've been hurt? We heal. In this discipleship and evangelism class, the professor brought up a point I haven't thought about as well. He said something along the lines of "We try to cover up our wounds. Sometimes God comes along and takes off the bandage and digs around inside that wound and cleans it up better than we could."
The healing. It's a strong concept. Whether you're talking cells healing themselves, emotional pain, or even the environment slowly healing, it's a concept that won't go away. It's always there. Even in death, the body erodes away and gives nutrients to the ground around it. And some of healing is almost unbelievable. Accounts have been recorded of people miraculously not having cancer right before going in for surgery or Chemo. As I have mentioned in a previous post, we long for a release. It is our nature to be pulled tight and stressed, but we long for the healing.
So I offer a word of encouragement: You may be going through a struggle and feel that it will never end. You may think that it's not worth it to keep going. Don't let those lies be twisted into your thinking. Time will heal things. I am living proof of this. I was beyond forgiveness and beyond hurt, I almost went beyond the point of no return. But I was healed.
In the midst of remembering a dark time and still longing for healing, God provided me hope. And that helped heal me. Hope of a better future because I know that God never left me. Hope of knowledge. Hope of healing.
We tend to focus too much on hardships and pain when we endure it. What about the healing that comes after?
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