Dark World

It's a dark world we live in. Killing sprees, corrupt governments, and domestic abuse. It's sad, how much our world is falling apart. How much the people of our world are falling apart. How we go about our daily lives with heavy hearts wishing for the one day we can just rest and not worry about things going on. We long for a release. We look for a light in the ever-growing darkness.

That's why Jesus came. There's a reason He's called the light of the world. He came into a dark time as well. With King Herod killing boys that were 2 years old and younger, to corrupt religious leaders (not unlike some of the religious leaders today...), Jesus came in a dark world. He was born in a feed box. A nasty, stinky feed box. He could have been born anywhere. He could have been born in a palace or even the Inn. But he was born in a feed box. Maybe he did this to let us know that he came to get dirty. He hung out with the "wrong crowd." He stood out from the "normal people." He died because people didn't like His message of salvation. Yet, He still came.

We look at this world sometimes with the attitude of the ever popular "I don't want to live on this planet" meme (yes, I pulled meme into the conversation). We look at the world and see how messed up it is. Why do we live in it? What's the purpose in fighting anymore? In a word: Hope. Hope that Jesus will come back. Hope that we will live in a world far better than this one. Hope of a future without pain. Hope that only Jesus can bring. Peace that only Jesus can bring.

We live in a dark world. Jesus came to light it up. To disperse the darkness. He came to give us hope. That, I think, is the greatest Christmas gift of all. Hope of a future where there will be no pain, no tears, no sickness, no fear of tomorrow, no stressing out about an assignment due tomorrow, no stress about how much work you'll be able to put in this week, no worry of being able to put food on the table. Jesus brought the greatest gift of all.

Hope.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Finals Week

"UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" My thoughts during finals week. I really don't want to do anything this week, but if I'm going to be able to come back next semester, I need to push through Thursday. I would love to be back home and shooting airsoft guns at helpless animals-I MEAN...Coke cans and trees...yeah....

I'm taking a short break from studying to write this post because I haven't written in a while. There's not really a reason behind it. No message of peace and joy, no message of doom and despair, just boredom. I'm not really stressed, just tired. Tired of the constant race to get things done and done well. I would love to just sit and relax for a day and not worry about what's due tomorrow, or next week, or next month...or the next hour...

I've been sitting in a tiny room in the Library studying for a Western Civ final and I'm starting to go a little crazy. I don't plan on leaving here until suppertime, but I might stab someone when I get out. I don't do sitting still well. Friends who know me can attest to this. I also drank a Monster earlier. I have determined that when I feel the effects of that wearing off, I will leave and go take a break.

Anyways, I've spent enough time on here. I need to get back to studying. I'll see you all later. I just wanted to write on here because I haven't posted in a while.

In other news: Ecliptic is the average word of the day.

"In Christ Alone"

I always love The Gathering on Sunday nights. We always have good music, good speakers, and a break from working our tails off. Tonight, we sang a beautiful Hymn called "In Christ Alone." It's possibly one of my favorite hymns (there are a few) and tonight, I paid attention to what I was singing and got a sucker punch to the gut. Guys, this song is powerful.

In Christ alone my hope is found 

He is my light, my strength, my song

This Cornerstone, this solid ground

Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace

When fears are stilled, when strivings cease 

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand

The first verse talks about how Christ is the cornerstone. He is the stabilizer of our faith. He is the constant in a world of changing variables. Through hurricane and tsunami, He is present. Then we sing that He loves us. He brings us peace. He is present through life's turmoil and he gives us peace. What better promise than that, guys?!

In Christ alone, who took on flesh

Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save

'Till on that cross as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied 

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ I live

Now we're getting into the story of Jesus's time on earth. He came as a baby, not a reigning king, not a powerful conqueror  but a baby. Not exactly the Messiah the Jews were looking for. I've often wondered what the Shepherds thought when they first saw Jesus in a feed box. "This is our messiah? A baby?" is something I would imagine them saying. Then we get to later in his life when we see that people didn't like him and ignored him. Then we get into the crucifixion. When Jesus took us, who were captured by sin, and said, "Paid in full. Let them go free." Guys, Jesus died for us. Let that sink in. Who would you die for? Would you die for a slave trader in china, a drug dealer in the US, an evil dictator in some foregin country you've never heard of? How about the guy who just cut you off in traffic? The person who paid for your food in line at the drive thru? The kid who helps you carry groceries from the store to your car? The person that smiles and says hi to you as you meet them on the sidewalk? Jesus did. Let that sink in. He died for me. A messed up kid who procrastinates on homework too much, gets stressed about some of the littlest things, and sometimes isn't very nice to people. He died for that freak. He died for me.

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the world by darkness slain 

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

There in the ground. Jesus died. He died for me. The light that would show the world the path to eternal life and the Kingdom of God. The light that demolishes the darkness in the world. He was murdered by the very people he came to save. If that doesn't make me feel lousy to be a human, I don't know what will. But it didn't end there. NO, it didn't end there. He came back. Death couldn't handle him. The grave couldn't hold him. He stands before us now with open arms saying "Come. I did this for you. I don't care what you did in the past. It's past. Nothing you can do about it now. I've forgiven you through my death." And just like that, Sin loses its grip on us. He calls us his. "I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me. (John 10:14)" He bought us with a high price, and he calls us his own. Satan no longer has any hold over us. Let me repeat that. SATAN HAS NO HOLD OVER US! Jesus came to forgive us of our sins so that we don't have to be held captive by satan and his lies. That's the point in the service where I broke down. I've pushed God away so much, and he still loves me. He still pursues me. He wants me to know that I am his. If you get nothing else from reading this, get this: He is reaching out to you. He is working in your life. He wants you. He wants you to know that he loves you and that he will care for you.

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

'Till He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand 

No fear in death. No power of hell. No scheme of man. Nothing can interfere with God's love for us. Till he comes back or takes us to our true home. We stand here in the power of Christ. He loves us. He will not abandon us. I've often wondered what Heaven will be like. No tears, no pain, a new world, a new creation, a new body. That sounds like paradise. I'm excited. I want others to be able to experience that. I can't explain how much I want others to be able to experience that.

Guys, I'm excited. Let's let God continue to work in our lives.

Questions

This post is just to kinda organize my thoughts so that I can make sense of what happened to me. This isn't a post to encourage or make you feel all happy inside. Now that you have been warned, bear with me.

I'm filled with so many questions. Sometimes I feel like I ask to many, but other times, I feel like I don't ask enough. What is my real name (Revelation 2:17)? Why can't I hear God's voice? Is it selfish if I want to leave the earth and go to heaven right now (especially with midterms coming up...)? Will I recieve a new body or will my Spirit be taken to heaven? Is it selfish of me to wish I could hear God call out my name?

I guess I need to calm down, but somehow, I can't let the thought of not being able to hear God calling my name out of my head. Will it be a peaceful sensation, or will it be filled with trembling? Am I even ready to hear God call my name? I guess it may be a little selfish of me to with that I could hear God call my name, but all the same, I wish I could hear that simple little thing. I sat out on a fallen tree for ten minutes or more trying to be silent so I could hear that whisper. I didn't hear anything but the creek flowing through the rocks. I tend to be a deep thinker, but I was concentrating so hard for silence that I either missed it or wasn't concentrating enough. Or neither.

I'm sorry if this seems a little selfish to wish I could hear God calling my name, but I really want to hear His voice. I want to feel His presence. I want to hear that God is there. I guess I'm much like Thomas when he doubts WITHOUT seeing. I want to see/hear God speak to me.

What happens when we die? Do we have a spirit and body? Or are the two inseperable? Do we have a new body when we get to heaven? Does our spirit go to heaven and our body stay here? Do we get a new body as soon as we die?

I'm not going back to that pit I came from last year; I'm having way too much fun in Discipleship and Evangelism for that to happen. I still have doubts, yes. Who doesn't? I ask a lot of questions. Yeah, probably. Probably not enough questions. I just have questions. Asking questions is how I learn best. Getting thoughts into language form isn't always that easy for me. One thing is for certain, I'm NOT going back to that pit ever again.

The Boy That Satan Tormented

*Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction inspired by a true story. I do not claim to be able to see how God and Satan interact, this is only my mind telling a story.*

One day, Satan decided to come before God. "Oh, Mighty Lord. I see a boy in your creation. I wish to see how he reacts to my doings," Satan sneers.

God's booming voice responded, "Why do you wish to do so?"

"I wish to try what I did to Job again. You say that this boy will not deny you?"

"I said no such thing. He will deny me."

"Then my victory is complete!" Satan stated with glee.

"I never said that, either," God responded. "Do as you wish to the boy, but on the child himself, DO NOT lay a hand."

Satan slinked away to carry out what he was commanded to do. He went to the boy's room. He followed the boy around hiding in the shadows, watching his every move. He learned the boy's schedule. He learned the boy's faults. He found a crack in the wall around his heart. When the time was right, Satan attacked the wall. He threw bad grades at the boy, he threw late nights at him, he even tossed in a few poisoned friendships. Finally when he felt that victory was his, he entered the wall and brought his minions with him to whisper in the boy's ear. Lies that told the boy that he was worthless, that he wouldn't ever be content, that nobody cared about him, that God had abandoned him. His victory was so close. Then finally, the boy broke. He cursed God. He wished God would leave him alone. He left the social circle and wished that he himself could die. He was sitting in a room by himself when Satan was jumping up and down with glee.

"My victory is almost complete!" Satan screeched. He saw the boy pull out a pocket knife and place the blade on his neck. "Do it!" Satan whispered in his ear. "Nobody wants you here! Go ahead and kill yourself!"

Suddenly an explosion rocked Satan's world. He flew through the air, away from the boy. Angels had taken him away from the boy. Three formed a wall around the boy and one leaned down and whispered in his ear. "Stop. Give it some time." The boy put the blade down and left the room.

Satan glared at the angels and screeched, "That's not fair!"

God's voice boomed through the heavens, "I am not finished with him."

Satan moaned and yelled, "Why!?!"

"For the my Glory, that all that come in come in contact with the boy will know my healing power," God rumbled through the sky. Several days passed with no one speaking to the boy. In that time, the boy began to build a wall of hate and self denial. Finally, God spoke to Jesus. "Show yourself to Nathan. Tell him that We love him. Tell him to come to us again. Tell him that nothing he can do will take our love away from him."

"I will do so," Jesus replied. Sunday night, when the boy had dragged himself to a church service to see if God would speak to him had a surprise when Jesus came to him on the cross. "Why do you hate me? I did this for you. Why do you run? I will only pursue." The boy's walls crumbled. He stood before the Lord, stripped of all defenses, broken. He begged for forgiveness. "I've already given it to you," Jesus replied. "Nathan, We will never abandon you. You are precious in Our sight. We love you very much."

Satan gagged at the sight. "Yuck! I will win this battle, God!" He shouted at the Lord.

God chuckled and it sounded like thunder. "Have you ever read Revelation?" God said to Satan. "That will be one promise you can't keep."

Pain and Rememberance

So I've been kinda quiet here lately, but with good reason. I've been taking a discipleship and evangelism class that has kinda been blowing my mind with some difficult questions. I have yet to come up with answers. It's a process. BUT that's not what this post is for.

I've been having a time of silence and solitude every week for this class that increases by ten minutes every week. Today was for fifty minutes. I went down to the fallen tree behind North-I mean...uh...Hutch, and sat there for fifty minutes. Almost not doing anything. Most of the beginning of my time was spent trying to clear my mind. It took a while but it finally happened.

A little background before I go any deeper, every time I've had a time of silence and solitude, God has somehow brought up the time when I ran from him last year. Aside from my many...many........MANY requests, God still brings it up. I hated myself then and I don't want to remember that time. I don't want to go back to that pit. I'm still healing from that. I asked myself multiple times, "Why do you want me to go back to that time, God? I was glad to be rid of it!" *background over*

SO, today, God decided to bring up a point that I haven't thought about, like ever. We sometimes tend to focus on just the pain of our past that we forget to focus on the healing. What happens after we've been hurt? We heal. In this discipleship and evangelism class, the professor brought up a point I haven't thought about as well. He said something along the lines of "We try to cover up our wounds. Sometimes God comes along and takes off the bandage and digs around inside that wound and cleans it up better than we could."

The healing. It's a strong concept. Whether you're talking cells healing themselves, emotional pain, or even the environment slowly healing, it's a concept that won't go away. It's always there. Even in death, the body erodes away and gives nutrients to the ground around it. And some of healing is almost unbelievable. Accounts have been recorded of people miraculously not having cancer right before going in for surgery or Chemo. As I have mentioned in a previous post, we long for a release. It is our nature to be pulled tight and stressed, but we long for the healing.

So I offer a word of encouragement: You may be going through a struggle and feel that it will never end. You may think that it's not worth it to keep going. Don't let those lies be twisted into your thinking. Time will heal things. I am living proof of this. I was beyond forgiveness and beyond hurt, I almost went beyond the point of no return. But I was healed.

In the midst of remembering a dark time and still longing for healing, God provided me hope. And that helped heal me. Hope of a better future because I know that God never left me. Hope of knowledge. Hope of healing.

We tend to focus too much on hardships and pain when we endure it. What about the healing that comes after?

The Video Game Savior?

So, I've been playing this video game series. You may or may not have heard of it. It's called Halo. It's a first person shooter set in the distant future where we have discovered other life not on Earth...and it seems to be rather hostile...

That's not what I am writing this post about, though. The series focuses on two main characters. One of them a 7 foot tall hulk (literally. Super strong, super reactive, and always has luck on his side. Oh, and he's green) that goes through bullets like they're toilet paper in a public bathroom. His name is John-117, or Master Chief. He's always been a mysterious character in the series. And he has a very close relationship with another character named Cortana.

Cortana is an Artificial Intelligence, or super smart computer that can think on its own. (kind of a scary thought, eh?) Background: AIs are based off of a Human. This particular AI was based off of the creator of the spartans. The "mother," so to speak. She showed a particular fondness to Master Chief. Mainly because He excelled in all the challenges of boot camp. But enough of background. Cortana was given an option of different spartans to pair up with. She chose Master Chief. Why? What made him stand out from the rest? Perhaps because the human she was based on was fond of him? Maybe, but she made a good choice. He doesn't give up on anything. I mean ANYTHING. He will go to the edge of the galaxy if he is ordered to so he can better defend the human race. Luck is always on his side. From death defying car jumps to charging behind enemy lines guns-a-blazin', Master Chief has always been lucky.

But one thing has me most intrigued throughout this whole story. The relationship between Cortana and Master Chief. He was given her as a partner to help him in battle. Yet it has evolved into so much more than that. She has become his best friend and vice versa. In the first one, she tells him to go and find a fellow marine because he is in danger and he obeys, reluctantly leaving her behind. He comes back and she has figured out that Halo is a massive super weapon worse than a million atomic bombs. He trusts her word over the AI that was created to protect Halo. In the second one, she sacrifices herself so that Master Chief can escape the second Halo they found while she destroys it. She didn't want to "chance a remote detonation" so she stayed behind. He reluctantly leaves her again, promising that he will come back for her. While it may seem that the Chief does leave her a lot, the third one he fights through endless hordes of zombie-like "Flood" (a virus that takes over dead creatures and uses them for its own destructive purposes; including murder, spreading the virus, and destroying stuff in general, OH, and causing trouble for Master Chief.) Now another background: she sent a message where it was clear that she was dying saying that there's a way to destroy the flood through a portal. When the humans don't trust her, Master Chief never gives up. He almost dies several times looking for his best friend. When he does get back to her, she says "You found me, but so much of me is wrong...out of place...it might be too late." It's at this point where we see the closeness that has developed. He kneels and looks her in the eye and says "You know me. When I make a promise..." She finishes up for him. "You keep it. I do know how to pick 'em." (this picking referring back to when she was given an option for which spartan to choose.) He fought through impossible odds just to come back to a broken computer person because he cared for her. At this point, Cortana has developed personality and attachment to Master Chief almost to the point of being a new person.

The thing that gets me is that he came back for her. In a way, this is relatable to how Jesus came back for us, a broken and lost people, going through Hell and back to keep us from going there ourselves. Taking upon himself our sins so that God can even look at us. Only, Jesus never abandoned us. He has always been. He never left us. He may not use guns and explosives, but he used love. Just the same as Master Chief used his determination and luck to save Cortana, Jesus uses his love and power to protect us from Satan and bring us to Him. (Warning: nerd-thought process about to explode) So in a way, we have a Spiritual Master Chief living with each of us protecting us with the Gel Suit of Truth connecting the Chestpiece of Righteousness and the Greaves of the Gospel of Peace to the body. As well as the Energy Shield of Faith to extinguish the plasma bolts of Satan's attack. And the Helmet of Salvation, which protects one of the most important organs of the body, will be next. Lastly, pick up the Energy Sword of the Spirit. (Ephesians 6:13-17)

It is now very late and I am finding it hard to use proper grammer and spelling; so my friends, I bid you all adieu.

Vice Verses

"Walking along the high tide line, watchin the pacific from the sideline..."

These are the opening words to a beautiful song called Vice Verses by Switchfoot. The song is an illustration of the ups and downs of life. Much like the ocean, there are times when the surf is rough and you don't want to be on it, and then there's times when you're just enjoying the waves. Then there's the times when the hurricane runs through. You hope it will end, question "why me?" and think that life is over.

"Where is God in the city life,
Where is God in the city light,
Where is God in the earthquake,
Were is God in the Genocide.
Where are you in my broken heart, when everything seems to fall apart,
Everything feels rusted over,
Tell me that you're here!"

That's the third verse of the song. Jon Foreman must have gone through some rough stuff to have written that. I know that I was at that point this past year. The breaking point where you think you can't handle it. Where the board is displaying the signs of wear. The surf is overpowering. You know you're gonna die. I've been there.

"I know that there's a meaning to it all.
A little resurrection every time I fall.
You got your babies, I got my hearses,
Every blessing comes with a set of curses.
I got my vices, I got my vice verses."

Then comes hope. You know that God is still going to use this event or situation to do good. Whether that be a suicidal friend, car accident that causes you to be late for work, you get fired from the job BECAUSE you were late, or something else, be hopeful in this: Isaiah 41:13 "For I am the LORD your God. I take hold of your right hand and say to you, 'do not fear. I will help you.'" God's not going to abandon us when the tough gets going. That's example enough. God saying HIMSELF that he will help.
There's something about hope that people question. Maybe sometimes we hope we hope for too much. Too little. When all else is lost, cling for dear life to hope.

When asked if the road he travels is worth the pain it causes, Jon Foreman says "I have the best job in the world." But the question caused him to think about the pains of life and the joys of life. The Vices and the Verses. He describes the contradictions of life; "Every man is equal" in a country of racial tension, killing someone is punishable by death but honorable through war, serving a God who loves the poor in big and rich churches. The tension of it all is enough to drive one insane. Yet, "the strings of our hearts were not made for safety. They were made to dance." And dance they do. "The transcendent alone can give meaning to the tension, purpose to the release." In some of the music classes I've been taking, I learned what a difference one note can make in the release of tension in a chord. From playing an Em chord on the ukulele to switching one finger two frets down to Gmaj, to laying across my bed after a long day of frustrating classes, we as humankind search for release. But we're all "stretched thin" as Jon Foreman describes it. We trudge along from depression to hope, "dancing through the storm."

We should continue to hope. Continue to live on, through the struggles and pain. If you are reading this, please continue to hope in life. As Foreman puts it, "for now, I'm gonna sing. I'm gonna string up my guitar and let those strings dance, stretched thin. It's true one day those strings will snap. But for now string 'em up, let 'em ring." Continue to dance my friends, dance like there's no tomorrow. Continue to play your music. Continue to surf those waves.

"...Let's go boys, play it loud."

That's my thoughts on the song guys, sorry if it's kinda scatterbrained and doesn't make sense.

references pulled from: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jon-foreman/vice-verses-making-art-ou_b_974302.html

Camp: week one

So i've had the opportunity to work at this amazing camp called Camp Aldersgate in the past. Volunteer work has it's perks here. I got to work with some super awesome kids in the past years. This year was a little different. I worked as a counselor. I got to work with some super awesome kids this week. That's another story. But one thought that stuck with me through the week was something the camp coordinator said: "you are being given some people's most valuable possession: their child. Don't forget that." And it has been stuck in my head all week. I stayed awake in bed Sunday night and looked at all the faces in my cabin, I got slightly scared. I didn't know if I was going to be the one to screw everything up for that one camper or not. I was sleeping uneasily that night.

Well, first night down and i wake up and go to breakfast with the kiddos. Just to let you know, that wasn't an easy task...first we had to wake them up. THAT in itself was a miracle most mornings. We got up early the first morning. We found out we didn't need to. We just sat on the back porch for about 45 minutes and chilled. I got to know them a little better. I got to know them throughout the week. I knew which ones were troublemakers *COUGH*all of them*COUGH*, i got to know which ones were chill, which ones were tasmanian devils of camp, which ones were good with the ladies, and which ones were just crazy kids (which was pretty much all of them.)

But one thing i noticed more and more every day is that they're just kids. God created them to be kids. Some of them have certain abilities, others don't. Its as simple as that. They still like all the things kids like. I had one kid who LOVED "I'm a Believer" by Smash Mouth. He was so hard to understand most of the time, but he sang along with every word of that song. He loved Disney movies such as finding nemo or cars. There was another one who would not lower his energy level any! It was a rare day if he laid down for a nap during rest time! then of course there were the brothers. Fought very little surprisingly, but still liked causing trouble wherever they went. Another camper didn't like storms so when it rained in little rock, i played ukukele for him till we BOTH fell asleep. One camper rode his scooter everywhere. He was almost always at the front of the group when we went to different events. He loved going fast. Going back to my original point, these guys are just kids. Nothing is different about them. This whole week, i had the amazing opportunity to prove that they could do most everything you and i could do.

I prayed to God that he would bring each one of them back next year. Even the ones not in my cabin! I helped with personal care in one cabin that was particularly wheelchair filled. I fell in love with the kids and people here. Sometimes they were difficult, but they still caught hold of my heart and will never let go.

I will reiterate what i said earlier, these kids are parents' most valuable possessions. I got to find that out this week. I learned that some kids spend all year waiting for this one week where they can be normal. Nobody looks at them funny, nobody makes fun of them, nobody feels left out, nobody feels different, they're normal.

I'm going to stop myself before i continue on and on, because i can. I'm sitting on my hammock on the back porch of one of the cabins because i'm staying here over the weekend. This week has been awesome and I'm never going to forget the memories made here. But nonetheless, i'm dead tired. Prayers for energy would be appreciated. I'll talk to you guys later.

God Bless,
Nathan

My Thoughts on Death

Today, we were just starting musicianship and one of our classmates found out a close relative passed away. We all kind of had trouble adjusting after that. We prayed for a while and Mr. Funk continued class. It was different. Everyone was more gentle and quiet.

I was thinking to myself, "Nobody likes death. Why do we feel so weak talking about it?" Could it be that we are faced with something that mankind is threatened by? This subject that weakens knees and breaks hearts is a part of life. It's something that we can't run from. Some day we all will face death.

This situation reminded me of when my great uncle died. I was in seventh grade. My great uncle was pretty much one of the coolest people I knew. He would often bake me and my brother cool treats to enjoy and make gingerbread houses that were exclusively detailed. He loved us and we loved him. He demonstrated that often. He was a smoker. Lung cancer was slowly taking his life away. He had been in the nursing home for a long time. One Saturday, I was mowing my grandparents' lawn. My grandmother called my dad. I saw him pick up the phone. I knew what had happened. I was afraid to come to terms with that though. I refused to accept it, but my dad came over and confirmed what I already knew. I remember collapsing on the lawn. I was covered in cut grass, but I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. I just lost an amazing friend and family member. Now that I'm thinking about it, I recall checking my phone every time after that when I mow at their house expecting bad news. I never fully recovered. But we went to the nursing home where he was just a short time ago. His body remained. My grandmother gave me his watch. It still sits on my bedside table, unworn. I tried to wear it for a couple of days. It didn't feel right for me to wear it. The next couple of days were just surreal to me. I almost felt light headed it was just weird for me. Not sad, not depressing, not angering, just weird. I had yet to come to terms with the fact that I would never see Uncle Bill again. To have that constant presence taken from you, it's just weird. I grew up from that, though. I still check my phone constantly when I'm mowing their yard. I would like to say that it's to check and see if I missed any texts from my friends, but I know that it's because I was afraid I would miss a call from my parents telling me bad news about some other family member.

Now, I'm in college. For those of you who have been following my blog, you'll see some of the things God has brought me through and taught me. NONE of those lessons have been easy. In fact all of them have probably been some of the most difficult things I've had to go through. But one thing I've learned is that there's a time for being beaten down and then there's a time for rising up again. And the better thing to know is that we don't have to rise alone. God helps lift us up. He never left me when I hated Him. When I wanted Him to die, He gave me life. He knows that what we're going through is difficult. He's demonstrated that in my life when I just wanted to die. He comes to us when we can't come to him.

So back to the original topic: Death. It's not easy. It just sucks. For those who've lost loved ones by it. And most certainly for those who have died and had not made their confession in Jesus as their Savior and God's only Son. But Ecclesiastes 3 tells us "there is a time for mourning...and a time to mend." That time to mend is a short way of saying that "life goes on." The death of a loved one is not the end of the world. Mourn. Definitely mourn. Mourning is natural, but don't linger in that stage. Let your life continue after that. Death is a painful thing. Mourning comes natural. Mourning takes longer for some that for others. It took me at least a month to really come to terms with the fact that Uncle Bill was gone, but guess what. I kept living. I lived with his memories. The times I got to help decorate the gingerbread houses, the times I would get to play with his dog, the times when he would lift his dog up for my brother to pet. The times he would smile when he saw our expressions of just getting to see him. I continued to let my life take its turns.

Death is not an easy thing. But it is a part of life.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a,4
God will not leave us alone either.
"For I Am the LORD your God, I take hold of your right hand and I say unto you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13.
God is telling us, YOU, "I will help you."

God bless

I Am Me

Have you ever had to question who you were? Not necessarily because you HAD to, but because the thought just won't leave you? What kind of person you are? who others see you as? what you see yourself as? Well this whole semester I've been asking myself that. And due to some unforeseen circumstances throughout the semester, I have been letting that thought control me. And now I've come to realize that that's not healthy.

Tonight's gathering was an "all-prayer" gathering. We sang worship songs throughout most of it, but there were long times of prayer. We started out singing songs of Adoration. I couldn't bring myself to sing them, though. I was still a little bitter about some things that have happened in this semester. I was letting that get to me. I prayed a prayer of asking for forgiveness. I sat there silently for a while, then I began again: "Hey God,

I know you want prayer to be to you like a conversation is to us. So here I go. God, I want to be content with who I am. Help me to be myself. Help me not to feel fake. I get so tired of putting on a smile even though I ache inside. I want to be free. I want satan to leave me alone!!! I'm tired of him messing with my life and pulling me down. I'm tired of my sins pushing me farther away from you. Help me to have true peace!!!"

Well we finished the service with group prayer, and, like the socialite I was, I sat down and didn't even try to find a group. Well God wasn't going to let that happen, and thus the reason for my guilty feeling... I leaned forward and talked to someone I knew from choir. "Is there anything I can pray for you for?" Well we shared requests. I said that I have been in a valley most of the semester. So we began to pray. I started. And my friend began after I had finished. I thank God for this person, I won't name them because I haven't personally asked if they wish to be named. They began with the usual, "thanks for this kid. keep working in his life" (paraphrased, not a direct quote) but they began to go into "I thank you for the way he is and that he's not afraid to be himself and be different." I began to realize that God had answered my prayer. I was me.

I am ME.

I am nobody else. I am not fake. I do not define myself by what others think of me. I do not define myself by what grade say I am. I do not let others' opinions affect the way I am. I am ME. I thank God for this person in Choir. Through them, I realized that God had already answered my prayer. I was already myself. I was different. I was me. I still am me. I will not change. I refuse to conform. I am an Original Masterpiece of God. I refuse to let someone else change the color scheme.

And in other news, I had just enough money to get a hot chocolate tonight at the Cali. That made me happy.

So back to my original message. If you feel like you aren't satisfied with yourself, or feel like others judge you too much, stop feeling that way. You be the only person that matters. BE YOU!!! I know that many people don't like fakes. I don't know about you, but I would rather know someone for who they are rather than for who they're acting like. Just be yourself. If you're a quiet person, be a quiet person. If you're crazy, do some crazy stuff. If you're a social butterfly, talk to people. But even if you aren't a Christian, still be yourself. Don't act like someone else who's popular. I don't like fakers. And chances are, a lot of other people don't either. So don't be someone else.

Be YOU.

Dr. Seuss says it better than I could:

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go....

A Dying Man's Final Instructions

We're supposed to read 1st and 2nd Timothy for New Testament on Monday, and I read 1st Timothy fine and dandy. Paul was going to be alright. He gave Timothy instruction on how to be a young preacher. "Guard what has been entrusted to your care." 1st Timothy 6:20. I read the introduction to 2nd Timothy in Keener's Commentary and was shocked by what I saw. It said that this was to be Paul's final letter. 

At that point, I nearly dropped my bible. I remember thinking "WHAT?! This can't be his final letter! I relate to him too much!" I started to read the book of 2nd Timothy. I read "Paul, an apostle of Christ Jesus by the will of God, according to the promise of life that is in Christ Jesus." (2 Timothy 1:1) I began to weep. He had finally accepted his fate. He knew he was going to die. One question that I had running through my mind as I began the letter was "Why didn't he fight it?" Then I read further. He talked a couple of times about being abandoned by everyone he knew. (ex: 1:15, 4:10, 16.) Having recently felt the same, I know how draining it is. He probably didn't have enough energy or strength left to fight. Dr. Castleman said something that caught my attention in New Testament yesterday: "Paul's out of his element! He's a minister. He likes preaching to people. Being in a Jail cell hurts him because he can't do what he was called to do!" Being a person who likes being around others, I know how it feels to be isolated (though that's mainly my fault recently) and that it just sucks. I can think of no other term to describe it.

One thing I noticed now that I'm writing this post and thinking about it, Paul did fight. He was put in jail, probably Satan trying to keep him from doing what he does best. I can see a little red guy with a pitchfork and pointed tail jumping up and down laughing like a maniac. But I can also see that little red guy suddenly stop when he sees Paul begin to speak his letter to the scribe. Now I see a little red guy snapping a pitchfork in half and throwing it away angrily. Paul wasn't giving up,

He was passing the torch.

That though just hit me. Whoa. Paul was doing something better than fighting the man and trying to fight his upcoming death, he was passing the torch to someone who was younger and could step into the shoes it required to be a disciple. hang on a second...let me kinda wrap my mind around this concept..(don't judge me! It makes it easier to think when I type what I'm thinking...)..Instead of fighting to get out of jail to minister again, he passed the job to someone who he knew could handle it. There's a good image of this passing the torch in Ch 2, verses 1-7. He uses several analogies to describe what it means to follow Christ.

So now comes the challenge: do we take Paul's words to heart? Do we testify the Gospel or are we ashamed of God and his prisoners? Do we keep the pattern of sound teaching or do we abandon it? Do we trust in the promise of eternal life or do we disown it? Are we faithful? Do we participate in godless chatter, or do we correctly handle the words of truth? Are we equipped with the Words of God, or do we ignore those words that are useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness?

Do we pick up the torch or do we ignore the pleas of a dying man?

My story...in story form

     Once upon a time, there was a boy named Nathan Young in the far away land of Arkansas. He grew up in a Christian home and with Christian friends. He had faced trials of many kinds, and was going to school for music ministry. He could play the bass guitar, but his passion was playing ukulele. He liked to say that he was learning guitar, but he really wasn't teaching himself much. He loved shooting people with Nerf guns. And he just liked causing fun trouble in general.
     Nathan's grades had been slipping already. His friendships fragmenting. He started to question what God's plan was in his life, if it was to just fail. But for the time being, he held his head high and went with the punches. He kept living life as if it were just some simple little step-by-step process that he had figured out. Then February 2012 happened.
     He was in chapel one day and singing songs like the rest of his friends, when he realized that he didn't really agree with what he was singing about. Did he really want to be in the arms of the creator of the universe? The one who can destroy nations and level cities in a matter of seconds?
     Nathan's doubts began to amplify from that one statement. He began to be depressed and started to push his friends away. He didn't realize it at first, but he was beginning to be suicidal. He finally broke and wrote a blog post on his blog about why he didn't believe in a God and that if He existed, that he was just out to mess with Nathan. Nathan didn't know who he wanted to be, much less what God wanted him to be. He concluded that God didn't have a plan for him and that He didn't love Nathan at all.
     Then he started to hate his friends and his life. He wanted the pain to end. He posted another blog post to a friend he had known for a while. He talked about his confusion and how he just wanted the pain to end. He just wanted to get things figured out. He hated being confused and trapped. He was talking to his friend about what God wanted and Nathan refused to believe. He was also struggling with a want to be included. He had felt really left out by his friends, his family, and God. He felt that they had forgotten him. That GOD had forgotten him. After a really heated argument, his friend finally asked him, "What would happen if you died tomorrow?" Nathan responded, "Then I guess my body rots." He had had enough. He went to sleep and reasoned that sleep would help him. It didn't. He woke up feeling worse than before. He went through his day with a bad attitude. He tried to change his attitude, but nothing worked. He finally had enough. He was sitting in a practice room staring at his music, just not paying attention to it. He pulled his pocket knife out. He put it to his neck. It felt so right to him. He was ready to die. He wanted to die. But something stopped him from moving his arm. He put his knife down. He packed up his music and went to his dorm. He attempted sleep. It was mostly just tossing and turning the whole night. He woke up the next day and went to class. He still didn't want to live. Nathan's family came and visited him from home. He had a long conversation with them. His father told him that he just didn't see hope without God. He said he looked out his front door every morning and saw God in nature. He wanted to go back to campus after that. He hadn't felt more isolated from his friends until that Friday. He was invited along to everything, but he felt like an outsider. Like he was being excluded from everything. He went to bed that night and decided to try to sleep it all off. He woke up like usual, but decided to eat by himself in the caf that day. He went to do work and started talking to a friend. He began to see the pain and worry that he had caused. He had put his friends through a lot. He finally decided to give God one last chance. He tried to pray to God and to demand a sign from Him. He asked God to show himself. Nathan wanted to believe, he just hadn't found adequate reason to.
     He went to church the next day. The pastor was telling of how he had strayed from God and God kept calling him back, sending an army. Just like he was for Nathan. Nathan left and sat silently at lunch that day. He finished and started working on theory homework. Regular Sunday. Then he made the decision to go to the Gathering that night. He went with a close friend and listened to the speaker speak. She spoke of not feeling welcome in her own hometown. Just like Nathan was in his group of friends. The chapel band came up. They started singing songs of praise and adoration. Nathan stood silently by. Suddenly, God showed himself to Nathan.
     Nathan stood and saw the cross. Not a clean polished wood cross or a metal cross on a necklace, but a splintered, rough, wooden cross. He saw the man attached to it. He saw the nails go through his hands and feet. He saw the blood pour down into his eyes. He looked into those eyes for a long time. For the longest time he hated those eyes. He wanted those eyes to answer questions. He wanted those eyes to help him. He wanted those eyes to die. Then he saw something that changed his outlook entirely. He didn't see pain or worry of death, he saw pity staring back at him. The eyes that he wished would die were feeling pity for him. Nathan couldn't tell why. He hated those eyes. If it were Nathan looking down, he wouldn't offer one look at the person he now saw himself to be. Nathan would send himself to Hell if he were in Jesus' place. But Jesus didn't. He spoke to Nathan. "I did this for you. Why do you run? I will only chase after you. Why do you doubt? I've given you the truth. Why do you hate me? I will only love you." Nathan was broken. He collapsed on the pew and wept. Wept for the pain he caused his friends and family. Wept for the doubt he had. Wept for the people who had not met this figure before him. The one who so easily forgave Nathan. He left God. God never left him. God had walked through the wall of solid hate that Nathan had built up. He was ready for God to take him into his arms. He was ready for the arms that so easily destroyed nations and leveled cities. He was ready for the arms that so easily forgave and healed. He was ready to come back. It was the only thing he could do.

If you find yourself running from God or feel like He has abandoned you, don't. He will never leave you. When you think He has, it's probably you running from him. Never doubt a Father's love. Never think that you can run away so far He'll never reach you. never believe that God doesn't love you. I have. I know how hard it is to believe. I looked at life as a suicidal atheist. I saw no hope. I saw no reason to keep doing what I was doing. Let me tell you something: DON'T LET SATAN LIE TO YOU!!!! He whispers in your ear things that sound like truth, but in reality, he's just trying to get past your defenses. He prowls around like a hungry lion. What is a hungry lion doing when prowling? Figuring out a weakness. Don't let your defense down for a second. God is waiting with open arms. He's ready. He is running to catch you when you fall.

I've been to rock bottom. I know what it feels like. I know what it's like to feel trapped. You don't have to. If you have questions, talk to me. I'm ready to share my story. Never feel like you have to go through it alone.

Light in the darkness

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I saw AND felt Jesus. I was at the gathering tonight listening to the talented singers and musicians on stage singing songs to their God. All I was thinking was "wow! They're pretty good together." It's true, they sounded awesome! But sometime in thinking that, I stopped thinking. I began to see something. At first it was just fuzzy. Then I saw Jesus on the cross. He was looking directly into my eyes. I tried to look away, but as my dad always says about a train wreck, "you can't look away." (probably a bad reference, considering the topic, but it's what came to mind.) I looked and continued to look. I couldn't bring myself to look away. I wanted to. I didn't want to look at the mess I saw before me. I looked at his hands and feet and saw the blood flowing forth. I looked at his scarred back from all the lashings; some of them I probably put there. I looked up and saw that his beard was missing chunks. (I don't know if you know how it feels to have a couple of hairs ripped from your beard, but it hurts. And to think of a solid chunk being ripped from my face causes me pain...) I looked up and saw blood flowing from the thorns on his head. It flowed down into his eyes. Those eyes that I loathed. The eyes that I shunned. The eyes that I hated. The eyes that I wish would answer questions. The eyes that wouldn't leave me alone at night.

The eyes that I wish would just die...

I am speechless right now. I had to sit down. At this point, anything I write is probably going to be blubbery mush. I stared at Jesus upon that cross. I looked him in the eye and wished he would just die. I wanted him off that cross. I didn't want to look at him anymore. But he didn't leave. He didn't die. He continued to stare at me. Then I saw it. Forgiveness. Pity. Love. I saw it in his eyes. Those eyes that would answer questions in his time. Those eyes that would forgive me despite the fact that I wished they would die. Those eyes that stood tall in the face of death. Those eyes that never left. Those eyes that wouldn't leave me alone at night.

Those eyes that I wish would hold me.

This is the point where i realized that God really did love me. I realize this whole week that I've been wrong. This week, I thought God abandoned me. It turns out that I was the one abandoning God. I was broken. I could hardly stand, much less walk. If you want any back story on what's been happening to me this past week, stop reading and look back at my last two or three posts. I'm not going into detail here. If you're too lazy to read, all you really need to know is that I hated God this past week. My good friend Lauren Townsend asked me what I would happen if I was to die tomorrow. My response was one of bitterness, "I guess my body rots." I'm sorry for that.

I realize now that I was the one who ran from God. I left him. Lauren told me this. Not that I was abandoning God, but rather that He never left. He pursued. He wanted me still. I had hated him. I wanted him to die. I wanted him to leave me alone. He still wanted me. I tried to leave him. He refused to let that happen. He still wanted me. That was all the hope I needed. I abandoned him. He came to me.

He walked through the wall I built up out of solid hate.

It wasn't done there. Jesus looked at me with that forgiveness, pity, and love, and said "I did this for you. Why don't you want to accept that? I will not leave you. Why do you run? I love you. Why don't you love me? I am here with open arms. Why won't you run to them?" My answer? "I'm scared." I've been saying I want to come to Jesus. Why was I scared when he came to me? I don't know. But I do know that Jesus came to me when I could not come to him. I was scared to accept his forgiveness. I began this doubt of God with questioning whether I wanted to be in the arms that destroyed nations, that took lives, that shaped the universe. Now I still question that. But I know that I'll run to them because that's about all I can do right now. I've been to rock bottom. I've been to the point where I wanted the pain and confusion to just end. (yes, I misunderstood the suicidal part, if you decided to read.) I continued till I could hardly walk. I couldn't do anything. I realized I needed God's arms to lift me up. To bring me up from rock bottom. To say "keep going" when I doubted myself. To help me walk when I could not. In God, I can do all things.

Another one of my good friends, Alisha Kaub, told me as we were walking back to the dorms, "God's fighting hard for you. He's not going to give you up." I know, Alisha. I know. It's going to be a learning process. I'm going to be confused sometimes. I'm going to be doubtful every now and then. I'm still gonna have questions. But I can rest in the knowledge that God will continue to help me and answer the questions that I have.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

Letter to a friend

This post is directed to my good friend Lauren Townsend. She's been trying to help me every step of the way through this mind shattering process. I'm going to be speaking directly to her in this post, but you're welcome to read what I say.

I already told you that I don't know what to think. I'm torn between two opinions. One that my parents pounded into my head when I was little and what I thought I believed in up until now. And then there's the one that what I've been told is all a lie, that I've been betrayed since the day I was born. I want to say that I feel like God is still trying to reach out to me, but I don't know for sure. I'm starting to look at things from an atheistic point of view. Yeah. Atheistic. I said it. I'm slowly becoming an Atheist. But I want to believe that God is getting to me. funny, I've got the Skillet station on pandora playing in the background, and i keep getting songs like Believe by Skillet, and Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight. I want to say that this is God trying to reach out to me to pull me back to him, but I feel like it's just a random chance that these songs are playing for me. Although it pains me to say that I was wrong, I'm gonna have to agree with you in that Rod Reed was speaking directly to me. And again, I want to say that none of what he said was true. I want to, but I just can't get myself to say it. I want to refuse the power of prayer, but I'm seeing bits of evidence that it is working. I want to just give up and run away. Run down 412 and not stop. But at the same time, I want to stay here and see what God will do. If he does exist. I feel my heart break because I can see that I'm pushing you and everyone who is trying to help me away. I want to be right and know that God DOESN'T exist, but I don't want to do that at the cost of losing my friends. It's been so long since I've felt actual human contact like a hug. If I get one tomorrow, I think it may be my breaking point. I want God to exist and I don't want him to exist at the same time. I know it's a stupid and crazy thing to think about. I'm scared. You remember how I've said my greatest fear is being caged, well I feel like that right now. I feel like I've been caged and am being beaten repeatedly. I just want this to stop! I HATE IT!!!! I NEED A BREAK!!!!! I just want God to decide what he's trying to do and if he decides to do something, that it's something I can see. I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH!!!! DOES HE EXIST OR DOESN'T HE?! I can't tell if he loves me anyways. My life is seriously screwed up. I'm already failing in all my classes, except maybe two. I've started to push my friends away. I'm slowly starving myself because I don't have time to eat a lot with the schedule I'm keeping up. You already know I'm a slow eater and that I take a good deal of time to eat. And I'm going mad with the homework that teachers assign me. I either don't understand it or it just take so long that I lose sleep. And my sleep life is pretty much non-existent. (you probably already knew that, though.) I want to be free of the strain of college. My dad has told me that this semester is the make or break semester and I feel like I'm breaking and about to snap. Two weeks ago when you guys went salsa dancing, I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest when I saw you walk away to go have fun and dance. I felt like that was the starting point of my dilemma. And then you guys keep trying to make plans for spring break around me. It makes me feel like crap because I CAN'T go. It frustrates me when something like that is out of my control. This whole thing frustrates me. I just want to know for sure if God exists and to see that in my life. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, but this just sucks! To have my foundation of why I chose to come here, what I've been taught all my life, just ripped out from underneath me, IT SUCKS!!!! I just don't know what to think. Like I told you over the phone, I just want to crawl to a corner and cry. I don't know what's going on.

what am i?

You ever tried looking for yourself? Well, that's about how I feel right now. I don't know who I am. I am an individual that has no idea where he's going or if he's going to make it through this semester. I look at myself in the mirror and don't know who that is I see, but it's not me. I talk to my friends about God, I pretend to know what I'm talking about when I speak to them about what I believe, but I know that I don't believe a word I say. I don't even know who God is. I guess I'm not only looking for myself, but God as well. I am lost. I'm who I'm trying to witness to. I can pretend to know what I'm doing when I talk to others about the God that saves, forgives, and forgets, but in reality, I don't even know who that God is. I'm confused. My friends think I know what I'm talking about. They think I'm still a believer. I guess I'm good at acting like I know. Either that, or I'm really good at keeping my mouth shut.

I guess I can't find God because I can't find myself. I've made the decision to become a youth minister. I don't know how I'm going to do that. I can't help the kids in my situation right now if I can't help myself. How do I find myself? I don't even know what I mean by that! I'm just typing right now. If I was speaking this, I'd probably be shouting at this point. I DON'T KNOW!!!! I could pretend to know. I know my friends will try to help me, but I'm pretty sure this is one battle that they can't help me with. I wish they could. I've told my friends, "I believe in you!" jokingly maybe, but still something that I know I can do to encourage them. I'm not sure I believe in myself. Who am I? That's one question I've been struggling with myself for a while. I don't know how this is going to end, but I can guarantee that it will end either really good or really bad.

I want to say "Can the REAL God step up?" but I know my friends will possibly outcast me. My family will probably outcast me. To know that this past year I've been lying to them. Betrayed them. Lead a double life. Yes. I'm that kid. The one who raises his hands in worship. The one who tries to be a leader to the younger kids in church. The one who's led bible studies, and who's going to lead one in two weeks. I'm part of a guys bible study at JBU and I lead my section in two weeks and then the week after that. I don't know what I'm going to do.

So. All that to say I don't know what I am, who I am, or Whose I am. I don't know who God is. I don't know who I am. So If you believe, or even read my blog, pray for me. You can try to help if you want, just be ready for me to shut you out. (sorry if that sounds blunt, but that's what I do when I feel defenseless.)

I'm not suicidal. I'm too much a happy person for that. But I just want to know what I'm doing has worth and if I what I'm doing is what I WANT to do. So here it goes...

Private Post

So this doesn't go up on facebook (aka, DON'T POST IT!!!!), but hopefully the people who follow me will read it and know what I mean, and possibly see what I'm talking about in my life. This is not me trying to prove a point, it's just me spewing out my mind. (but what are blog posts for? haha)

Long story short, this semester is going to kick my tail. I feel like I'm going to have to pretty much give up my social life to get passing grades in all my classes, and even then, it may not work. I realize now what a mistake it was to try to be a music major. I CAN'T do it. I'm going to have enough trouble as is in my classes this semester...and these are the easier classes of being a music major!!! I do have a slight problem understanding one of my professors, and that may be part of my problem. He's far to technical and specific to be teaching me and my classmates. I don't mean to sound rude about him, because I love the man dearly! He's an amazing individual, but I just don't understand him. He reads, writes, and speaks technical language. Words that have 17 syllables are some of the smaller words in his vocabulary. I only dream of being that smart! I can barely keep the minimum GPA for my scholarships. If I lose those, I won't be here next semester. Not to mention my social life. My schedule isn't going to allow an easy work study schedule this semester. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my "super-busy-don't-plan-anything" days. I wake up at 6:45-ish, go to work study at 7 then pretty much don't stop working till 5-ish. And then I have to get ready for the endless amount of classes I have on Wednesday and Thursday, usually ending my day around 2 or 2:30 AM. Yeah, you upperclassmen may not be complaining about something like this, but I am. I'm just a freshman, still learning the ropes of when I should drink a monster, whether or not I should hang out with friends, or if I should go to sleep tonight. But I'm complaining because I'm not used to it yet. It's a change, and yes it interrupts my usual schedule of sleeping in till 1 or 2 in the afternoon. And then to my social life. It's already taken a toll. I found out a week ago that I wouldn't be able to hang out with my friends during spring break because I'll be touring around the local area with the choir. We had already made plans to go to St. Louis and then possibly Branson and then see the Hunger Games midnight premiere. This is one of the biggest struggles in my heart right now because I wanted so bad to hang out with them and get to know them more and just relax. It pretty much ruined my week and still does, because one friend keeps bringing up "Hey, we need to make plans for St. Louis and the Hunger Games [and ditching Nathan]." (they don't say that exactly, but it pretty much feels like he's saying that every time he brings it up. It kinda sucks...) And already, I feel like I'm getting left out in a lot of their activities. It hurts...not like the hurt that says "oh, I'm being left out. It's alright I'll hold my head up." It's the kind of hurt that says "I'm gonna pull you down and kick you and stab you until you can't get up again. Now that I have, I'm gonna ruin your life." Don't think I'm suicidal when I say this, but I don't know if i can make it through this semester.

So there you go. Here's my thought processes of this semester and how it's probably going to affect my attitude and life till May.

Oh, I can't add any classes or drop them because I missed the day to add, and I can't risk taking any hours OFF my schedule without going under the minimum. So if you've stuck with me this far, just keep me in your prayers. And please don't post this on Facebook. I don't want my friends and family too worried.

Thoughts on Forgetting

"I think I just figured out what the director couldn't, and Alpha either. It was you, Tex. All along. See, I thought we made you, the Director, the fragments. But that's not the case. You made us. When the Alpha was created, You just kinda came along for the ride. You gave the director the idea that he could make something more, that he could split the alpha up. Don't you get it? YOU were the memory. YOU were the key. You were so strong, you made a whole other person. ***, He always wanted to find you. To get you right, to see you one last time. And he wanted me to be able to do the same. to find you in here or just go down another iteration. Figure out this little Tex problem. To figure out how to do it right. Now I know. Know how to fix all of this. How to end it once and for all. It was so simple all along. I just had to tell you three words. Three words I wasn't capable of telling you before." Tex speaks "Oh, wait a minute. Are you going to say 'I love you?'" Church picks back up. "No, Tex. No. I'm not going to say 'I love you.' I'm going to say 'I forget you.'"

"I forget you."

"I'm letting you go."

Okay. Background. This is a really long quote from mostly Church, a character from a popular web series called Red Vs. Blue. The whole series, he's been chasing after this girl bounty hunter (for lack of a better word) named Tex. The show's creators led us to believe that they were supposed to fall in love, and did, in a way. Continuing on with the current story. Tex teams up with a hostile AI (artificial intelligence) and leaves Church and the blue team in a hurry. She crash landed and was presumed missing, possibly dead. But later, after Church, who we find out in season 6 is actually the Alpha AI (a deity of sorts for AIs) "dies" and is resurrected as "Epsilon," He is stuck back into the Epsilon memory unit (like a Computer housing for an AI.) Anyways, He resurrects Tex into his memories. He thinks his world is ending and He gives this little speech to Tex.

NOW to the analyzation. haha. It was Tex who made the Director and Alpha think they could make or be someone/thing more. Tex made Church think he was something useful and the director was made to believe that if the AI was powerful enough to make a whole new person, then He could as well. "Memory is Key" is a phrase that Gamma (another AI) used to send Church a message to give to someone else about the Epsilon memory unit. To say that she was the memory and key is to say that She is the cause of most of the action in the series. It's her power that caused the Director to try to split the Alpha AI to create something just as powerful. and it failed miserably. The "He" that Church is talking about is his old self. "He always wanted to find you." The old Church couldn't quite get Tex's mind right. Then after a little chat for the end of the world in season 9, He figures it out. He figures out that He's not supposed to say "I love you." He's going to say "I forget you." He lets her go. This made my cry the first time I watched it. HOWEVER, further research goes back into the previous episode and we see Church says "It took a couple of versions of me to understand, but sometimes you just gotta let go. Cuz the things you let go sometimes come back on their own." It took me a couple of tries to figure out what this meant. BUT I believe it's saying that if he lets her go, or forgets her, then he deletes that memory from his mind and has hope that the real her will return to him. He's not getting rid of her, He's freeing her. Tex mentioned once that her greatest fear is being caged. That's what Church was doing in a way. So like I said, He's freeing Tex by saying I forget you.

I thought about the thought processes that went on in Church's mind when he said that. Did he have hope? This may seem kinda silly, but several years ago, I lost one of the closest friends I had ever made. My dog, Goober, of nearly 14 years, got too old. We had to put her down right before Christmas. I loved that dog. I had to hold her down so the Vet could put her to sleep. I hated it. I hated every second. All I wanted to do was just run away. Run from the pain. Hope to never see it again. But that's not what happened. I rode in the back of our van on the way home sitting with Goober one last time as she lay dying. I said goodbye at the vet's office. It took several years, but I was finally able to say "I forget you." I was letting her go free finally. Free to wander all the woods she wanted. Free to chase as many cars down endless dirt roads as she pleased.

It was before this that my great uncle died. Bill Jolly was a great man with a huge heart. He loved me and my brother like we were his own children. He died of lung cancer and I was only blocks away. Helpless to do anything. To say I felt weak was an understatement. I was mowing my grandparents's lawn. I dropped to the ground when my dad told me that Uncle Bill had died only moments before. He had to practically carry me to the car to get over there to comfort my grandmother, who was keeping close watch over him as he died. Sister watching over her brother. Interesting. It should be the other way around. Anyways, that Sunday night, I remember talking about what happens after death in middle school service. It didn't help much. I was bitter and unapproachable for about a month after that. I had begun to doubt God's existence. It was also several years before I was able to say "I forget you." It still is hard to now. I know though that by saying that, I'm letting him know that I have let go of the earthly Uncle Bill in exchange of the hope for the new Uncle Bill in Heaven.

 Just three words to end all of the pain. Three words to stop the chaos from happening. Three words to finish the fight. "I forget you."

"I'm letting you go."