My Thoughts on Death

Today, we were just starting musicianship and one of our classmates found out a close relative passed away. We all kind of had trouble adjusting after that. We prayed for a while and Mr. Funk continued class. It was different. Everyone was more gentle and quiet.

I was thinking to myself, "Nobody likes death. Why do we feel so weak talking about it?" Could it be that we are faced with something that mankind is threatened by? This subject that weakens knees and breaks hearts is a part of life. It's something that we can't run from. Some day we all will face death.

This situation reminded me of when my great uncle died. I was in seventh grade. My great uncle was pretty much one of the coolest people I knew. He would often bake me and my brother cool treats to enjoy and make gingerbread houses that were exclusively detailed. He loved us and we loved him. He demonstrated that often. He was a smoker. Lung cancer was slowly taking his life away. He had been in the nursing home for a long time. One Saturday, I was mowing my grandparents' lawn. My grandmother called my dad. I saw him pick up the phone. I knew what had happened. I was afraid to come to terms with that though. I refused to accept it, but my dad came over and confirmed what I already knew. I remember collapsing on the lawn. I was covered in cut grass, but I didn't care. Nothing mattered anymore. I just lost an amazing friend and family member. Now that I'm thinking about it, I recall checking my phone every time after that when I mow at their house expecting bad news. I never fully recovered. But we went to the nursing home where he was just a short time ago. His body remained. My grandmother gave me his watch. It still sits on my bedside table, unworn. I tried to wear it for a couple of days. It didn't feel right for me to wear it. The next couple of days were just surreal to me. I almost felt light headed it was just weird for me. Not sad, not depressing, not angering, just weird. I had yet to come to terms with the fact that I would never see Uncle Bill again. To have that constant presence taken from you, it's just weird. I grew up from that, though. I still check my phone constantly when I'm mowing their yard. I would like to say that it's to check and see if I missed any texts from my friends, but I know that it's because I was afraid I would miss a call from my parents telling me bad news about some other family member.

Now, I'm in college. For those of you who have been following my blog, you'll see some of the things God has brought me through and taught me. NONE of those lessons have been easy. In fact all of them have probably been some of the most difficult things I've had to go through. But one thing I've learned is that there's a time for being beaten down and then there's a time for rising up again. And the better thing to know is that we don't have to rise alone. God helps lift us up. He never left me when I hated Him. When I wanted Him to die, He gave me life. He knows that what we're going through is difficult. He's demonstrated that in my life when I just wanted to die. He comes to us when we can't come to him.

So back to the original topic: Death. It's not easy. It just sucks. For those who've lost loved ones by it. And most certainly for those who have died and had not made their confession in Jesus as their Savior and God's only Son. But Ecclesiastes 3 tells us "there is a time for mourning...and a time to mend." That time to mend is a short way of saying that "life goes on." The death of a loved one is not the end of the world. Mourn. Definitely mourn. Mourning is natural, but don't linger in that stage. Let your life continue after that. Death is a painful thing. Mourning comes natural. Mourning takes longer for some that for others. It took me at least a month to really come to terms with the fact that Uncle Bill was gone, but guess what. I kept living. I lived with his memories. The times I got to help decorate the gingerbread houses, the times I would get to play with his dog, the times when he would lift his dog up for my brother to pet. The times he would smile when he saw our expressions of just getting to see him. I continued to let my life take its turns.

Death is not an easy thing. But it is a part of life.
"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: a time to be born and a time to die, ... a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance," Ecclesiastes 3:1-2a,4
God will not leave us alone either.
"For I Am the LORD your God, I take hold of your right hand and I say unto you, 'Do not fear, I will help you.'" Isaiah 41:13.
God is telling us, YOU, "I will help you."

God bless

I Am Me

Have you ever had to question who you were? Not necessarily because you HAD to, but because the thought just won't leave you? What kind of person you are? who others see you as? what you see yourself as? Well this whole semester I've been asking myself that. And due to some unforeseen circumstances throughout the semester, I have been letting that thought control me. And now I've come to realize that that's not healthy.

Tonight's gathering was an "all-prayer" gathering. We sang worship songs throughout most of it, but there were long times of prayer. We started out singing songs of Adoration. I couldn't bring myself to sing them, though. I was still a little bitter about some things that have happened in this semester. I was letting that get to me. I prayed a prayer of asking for forgiveness. I sat there silently for a while, then I began again: "Hey God,

I know you want prayer to be to you like a conversation is to us. So here I go. God, I want to be content with who I am. Help me to be myself. Help me not to feel fake. I get so tired of putting on a smile even though I ache inside. I want to be free. I want satan to leave me alone!!! I'm tired of him messing with my life and pulling me down. I'm tired of my sins pushing me farther away from you. Help me to have true peace!!!"

Well we finished the service with group prayer, and, like the socialite I was, I sat down and didn't even try to find a group. Well God wasn't going to let that happen, and thus the reason for my guilty feeling... I leaned forward and talked to someone I knew from choir. "Is there anything I can pray for you for?" Well we shared requests. I said that I have been in a valley most of the semester. So we began to pray. I started. And my friend began after I had finished. I thank God for this person, I won't name them because I haven't personally asked if they wish to be named. They began with the usual, "thanks for this kid. keep working in his life" (paraphrased, not a direct quote) but they began to go into "I thank you for the way he is and that he's not afraid to be himself and be different." I began to realize that God had answered my prayer. I was me.

I am ME.

I am nobody else. I am not fake. I do not define myself by what others think of me. I do not define myself by what grade say I am. I do not let others' opinions affect the way I am. I am ME. I thank God for this person in Choir. Through them, I realized that God had already answered my prayer. I was already myself. I was different. I was me. I still am me. I will not change. I refuse to conform. I am an Original Masterpiece of God. I refuse to let someone else change the color scheme.

And in other news, I had just enough money to get a hot chocolate tonight at the Cali. That made me happy.

So back to my original message. If you feel like you aren't satisfied with yourself, or feel like others judge you too much, stop feeling that way. You be the only person that matters. BE YOU!!! I know that many people don't like fakes. I don't know about you, but I would rather know someone for who they are rather than for who they're acting like. Just be yourself. If you're a quiet person, be a quiet person. If you're crazy, do some crazy stuff. If you're a social butterfly, talk to people. But even if you aren't a Christian, still be yourself. Don't act like someone else who's popular. I don't like fakers. And chances are, a lot of other people don't either. So don't be someone else.

Be YOU.

Dr. Seuss says it better than I could:

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.
And you know what you know.
And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go....