Light in the darkness

Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I saw AND felt Jesus. I was at the gathering tonight listening to the talented singers and musicians on stage singing songs to their God. All I was thinking was "wow! They're pretty good together." It's true, they sounded awesome! But sometime in thinking that, I stopped thinking. I began to see something. At first it was just fuzzy. Then I saw Jesus on the cross. He was looking directly into my eyes. I tried to look away, but as my dad always says about a train wreck, "you can't look away." (probably a bad reference, considering the topic, but it's what came to mind.) I looked and continued to look. I couldn't bring myself to look away. I wanted to. I didn't want to look at the mess I saw before me. I looked at his hands and feet and saw the blood flowing forth. I looked at his scarred back from all the lashings; some of them I probably put there. I looked up and saw that his beard was missing chunks. (I don't know if you know how it feels to have a couple of hairs ripped from your beard, but it hurts. And to think of a solid chunk being ripped from my face causes me pain...) I looked up and saw blood flowing from the thorns on his head. It flowed down into his eyes. Those eyes that I loathed. The eyes that I shunned. The eyes that I hated. The eyes that I wish would answer questions. The eyes that wouldn't leave me alone at night.

The eyes that I wish would just die...

I am speechless right now. I had to sit down. At this point, anything I write is probably going to be blubbery mush. I stared at Jesus upon that cross. I looked him in the eye and wished he would just die. I wanted him off that cross. I didn't want to look at him anymore. But he didn't leave. He didn't die. He continued to stare at me. Then I saw it. Forgiveness. Pity. Love. I saw it in his eyes. Those eyes that would answer questions in his time. Those eyes that would forgive me despite the fact that I wished they would die. Those eyes that stood tall in the face of death. Those eyes that never left. Those eyes that wouldn't leave me alone at night.

Those eyes that I wish would hold me.

This is the point where i realized that God really did love me. I realize this whole week that I've been wrong. This week, I thought God abandoned me. It turns out that I was the one abandoning God. I was broken. I could hardly stand, much less walk. If you want any back story on what's been happening to me this past week, stop reading and look back at my last two or three posts. I'm not going into detail here. If you're too lazy to read, all you really need to know is that I hated God this past week. My good friend Lauren Townsend asked me what I would happen if I was to die tomorrow. My response was one of bitterness, "I guess my body rots." I'm sorry for that.

I realize now that I was the one who ran from God. I left him. Lauren told me this. Not that I was abandoning God, but rather that He never left. He pursued. He wanted me still. I had hated him. I wanted him to die. I wanted him to leave me alone. He still wanted me. I tried to leave him. He refused to let that happen. He still wanted me. That was all the hope I needed. I abandoned him. He came to me.

He walked through the wall I built up out of solid hate.

It wasn't done there. Jesus looked at me with that forgiveness, pity, and love, and said "I did this for you. Why don't you want to accept that? I will not leave you. Why do you run? I love you. Why don't you love me? I am here with open arms. Why won't you run to them?" My answer? "I'm scared." I've been saying I want to come to Jesus. Why was I scared when he came to me? I don't know. But I do know that Jesus came to me when I could not come to him. I was scared to accept his forgiveness. I began this doubt of God with questioning whether I wanted to be in the arms that destroyed nations, that took lives, that shaped the universe. Now I still question that. But I know that I'll run to them because that's about all I can do right now. I've been to rock bottom. I've been to the point where I wanted the pain and confusion to just end. (yes, I misunderstood the suicidal part, if you decided to read.) I continued till I could hardly walk. I couldn't do anything. I realized I needed God's arms to lift me up. To bring me up from rock bottom. To say "keep going" when I doubted myself. To help me walk when I could not. In God, I can do all things.

Another one of my good friends, Alisha Kaub, told me as we were walking back to the dorms, "God's fighting hard for you. He's not going to give you up." I know, Alisha. I know. It's going to be a learning process. I'm going to be confused sometimes. I'm going to be doubtful every now and then. I'm still gonna have questions. But I can rest in the knowledge that God will continue to help me and answer the questions that I have.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Him who gives me strength.

Letter to a friend

This post is directed to my good friend Lauren Townsend. She's been trying to help me every step of the way through this mind shattering process. I'm going to be speaking directly to her in this post, but you're welcome to read what I say.

I already told you that I don't know what to think. I'm torn between two opinions. One that my parents pounded into my head when I was little and what I thought I believed in up until now. And then there's the one that what I've been told is all a lie, that I've been betrayed since the day I was born. I want to say that I feel like God is still trying to reach out to me, but I don't know for sure. I'm starting to look at things from an atheistic point of view. Yeah. Atheistic. I said it. I'm slowly becoming an Atheist. But I want to believe that God is getting to me. funny, I've got the Skillet station on pandora playing in the background, and i keep getting songs like Believe by Skillet, and Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight. I want to say that this is God trying to reach out to me to pull me back to him, but I feel like it's just a random chance that these songs are playing for me. Although it pains me to say that I was wrong, I'm gonna have to agree with you in that Rod Reed was speaking directly to me. And again, I want to say that none of what he said was true. I want to, but I just can't get myself to say it. I want to refuse the power of prayer, but I'm seeing bits of evidence that it is working. I want to just give up and run away. Run down 412 and not stop. But at the same time, I want to stay here and see what God will do. If he does exist. I feel my heart break because I can see that I'm pushing you and everyone who is trying to help me away. I want to be right and know that God DOESN'T exist, but I don't want to do that at the cost of losing my friends. It's been so long since I've felt actual human contact like a hug. If I get one tomorrow, I think it may be my breaking point. I want God to exist and I don't want him to exist at the same time. I know it's a stupid and crazy thing to think about. I'm scared. You remember how I've said my greatest fear is being caged, well I feel like that right now. I feel like I've been caged and am being beaten repeatedly. I just want this to stop! I HATE IT!!!! I NEED A BREAK!!!!! I just want God to decide what he's trying to do and if he decides to do something, that it's something I can see. I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH!!!! DOES HE EXIST OR DOESN'T HE?! I can't tell if he loves me anyways. My life is seriously screwed up. I'm already failing in all my classes, except maybe two. I've started to push my friends away. I'm slowly starving myself because I don't have time to eat a lot with the schedule I'm keeping up. You already know I'm a slow eater and that I take a good deal of time to eat. And I'm going mad with the homework that teachers assign me. I either don't understand it or it just take so long that I lose sleep. And my sleep life is pretty much non-existent. (you probably already knew that, though.) I want to be free of the strain of college. My dad has told me that this semester is the make or break semester and I feel like I'm breaking and about to snap. Two weeks ago when you guys went salsa dancing, I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest when I saw you walk away to go have fun and dance. I felt like that was the starting point of my dilemma. And then you guys keep trying to make plans for spring break around me. It makes me feel like crap because I CAN'T go. It frustrates me when something like that is out of my control. This whole thing frustrates me. I just want to know for sure if God exists and to see that in my life. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, but this just sucks! To have my foundation of why I chose to come here, what I've been taught all my life, just ripped out from underneath me, IT SUCKS!!!! I just don't know what to think. Like I told you over the phone, I just want to crawl to a corner and cry. I don't know what's going on.

what am i?

You ever tried looking for yourself? Well, that's about how I feel right now. I don't know who I am. I am an individual that has no idea where he's going or if he's going to make it through this semester. I look at myself in the mirror and don't know who that is I see, but it's not me. I talk to my friends about God, I pretend to know what I'm talking about when I speak to them about what I believe, but I know that I don't believe a word I say. I don't even know who God is. I guess I'm not only looking for myself, but God as well. I am lost. I'm who I'm trying to witness to. I can pretend to know what I'm doing when I talk to others about the God that saves, forgives, and forgets, but in reality, I don't even know who that God is. I'm confused. My friends think I know what I'm talking about. They think I'm still a believer. I guess I'm good at acting like I know. Either that, or I'm really good at keeping my mouth shut.

I guess I can't find God because I can't find myself. I've made the decision to become a youth minister. I don't know how I'm going to do that. I can't help the kids in my situation right now if I can't help myself. How do I find myself? I don't even know what I mean by that! I'm just typing right now. If I was speaking this, I'd probably be shouting at this point. I DON'T KNOW!!!! I could pretend to know. I know my friends will try to help me, but I'm pretty sure this is one battle that they can't help me with. I wish they could. I've told my friends, "I believe in you!" jokingly maybe, but still something that I know I can do to encourage them. I'm not sure I believe in myself. Who am I? That's one question I've been struggling with myself for a while. I don't know how this is going to end, but I can guarantee that it will end either really good or really bad.

I want to say "Can the REAL God step up?" but I know my friends will possibly outcast me. My family will probably outcast me. To know that this past year I've been lying to them. Betrayed them. Lead a double life. Yes. I'm that kid. The one who raises his hands in worship. The one who tries to be a leader to the younger kids in church. The one who's led bible studies, and who's going to lead one in two weeks. I'm part of a guys bible study at JBU and I lead my section in two weeks and then the week after that. I don't know what I'm going to do.

So. All that to say I don't know what I am, who I am, or Whose I am. I don't know who God is. I don't know who I am. So If you believe, or even read my blog, pray for me. You can try to help if you want, just be ready for me to shut you out. (sorry if that sounds blunt, but that's what I do when I feel defenseless.)

I'm not suicidal. I'm too much a happy person for that. But I just want to know what I'm doing has worth and if I what I'm doing is what I WANT to do. So here it goes...