So this doesn't go up on facebook (aka, DON'T POST IT!!!!), but hopefully the people who follow me will read it and know what I mean, and possibly see what I'm talking about in my life. This is not me trying to prove a point, it's just me spewing out my mind. (but what are blog posts for? haha)
Long story short, this semester is going to kick my tail. I feel like I'm going to have to pretty much give up my social life to get passing grades in all my classes, and even then, it may not work. I realize now what a mistake it was to try to be a music major. I CAN'T do it. I'm going to have enough trouble as is in my classes this semester...and these are the easier classes of being a music major!!! I do have a slight problem understanding one of my professors, and that may be part of my problem. He's far to technical and specific to be teaching me and my classmates. I don't mean to sound rude about him, because I love the man dearly! He's an amazing individual, but I just don't understand him. He reads, writes, and speaks technical language. Words that have 17 syllables are some of the smaller words in his vocabulary. I only dream of being that smart! I can barely keep the minimum GPA for my scholarships. If I lose those, I won't be here next semester. Not to mention my social life. My schedule isn't going to allow an easy work study schedule this semester. Tuesdays and Thursdays are my "super-busy-don't-plan-anything" days. I wake up at 6:45-ish, go to work study at 7 then pretty much don't stop working till 5-ish. And then I have to get ready for the endless amount of classes I have on Wednesday and Thursday, usually ending my day around 2 or 2:30 AM. Yeah, you upperclassmen may not be complaining about something like this, but I am. I'm just a freshman, still learning the ropes of when I should drink a monster, whether or not I should hang out with friends, or if I should go to sleep tonight. But I'm complaining because I'm not used to it yet. It's a change, and yes it interrupts my usual schedule of sleeping in till 1 or 2 in the afternoon. And then to my social life. It's already taken a toll. I found out a week ago that I wouldn't be able to hang out with my friends during spring break because I'll be touring around the local area with the choir. We had already made plans to go to St. Louis and then possibly Branson and then see the Hunger Games midnight premiere. This is one of the biggest struggles in my heart right now because I wanted so bad to hang out with them and get to know them more and just relax. It pretty much ruined my week and still does, because one friend keeps bringing up "Hey, we need to make plans for St. Louis and the Hunger Games [and ditching Nathan]." (they don't say that exactly, but it pretty much feels like he's saying that every time he brings it up. It kinda sucks...) And already, I feel like I'm getting left out in a lot of their activities. It hurts...not like the hurt that says "oh, I'm being left out. It's alright I'll hold my head up." It's the kind of hurt that says "I'm gonna pull you down and kick you and stab you until you can't get up again. Now that I have, I'm gonna ruin your life." Don't think I'm suicidal when I say this, but I don't know if i can make it through this semester.
So there you go. Here's my thought processes of this semester and how it's probably going to affect my attitude and life till May.
Oh, I can't add any classes or drop them because I missed the day to add, and I can't risk taking any hours OFF my schedule without going under the minimum. So if you've stuck with me this far, just keep me in your prayers. And please don't post this on Facebook. I don't want my friends and family too worried.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Monday, January 2, 2012
Thoughts on Forgetting
"I think I just figured out what the director couldn't, and Alpha either. It was you, Tex. All along. See, I thought we made you, the Director, the fragments. But that's not the case. You made us. When the Alpha was created, You just kinda came along for the ride. You gave the director the idea that he could make something more, that he could split the alpha up. Don't you get it? YOU were the memory. YOU were the key. You were so strong, you made a whole other person. ***, He always wanted to find you. To get you right, to see you one last time. And he wanted me to be able to do the same. to find you in here or just go down another iteration. Figure out this little Tex problem. To figure out how to do it right. Now I know. Know how to fix all of this. How to end it once and for all. It was so simple all along. I just had to tell you three words. Three words I wasn't capable of telling you before." Tex speaks "Oh, wait a minute. Are you going to say 'I love you?'" Church picks back up. "No, Tex. No. I'm not going to say 'I love you.' I'm going to say 'I forget you.'"
"I forget you."
"I'm letting you go."
Okay. Background. This is a really long quote from mostly Church, a character from a popular web series called Red Vs. Blue. The whole series, he's been chasing after this girl bounty hunter (for lack of a better word) named Tex. The show's creators led us to believe that they were supposed to fall in love, and did, in a way. Continuing on with the current story. Tex teams up with a hostile AI (artificial intelligence) and leaves Church and the blue team in a hurry. She crash landed and was presumed missing, possibly dead. But later, after Church, who we find out in season 6 is actually the Alpha AI (a deity of sorts for AIs) "dies" and is resurrected as "Epsilon," He is stuck back into the Epsilon memory unit (like a Computer housing for an AI.) Anyways, He resurrects Tex into his memories. He thinks his world is ending and He gives this little speech to Tex.
NOW to the analyzation. haha. It was Tex who made the Director and Alpha think they could make or be someone/thing more. Tex made Church think he was something useful and the director was made to believe that if the AI was powerful enough to make a whole new person, then He could as well. "Memory is Key" is a phrase that Gamma (another AI) used to send Church a message to give to someone else about the Epsilon memory unit. To say that she was the memory and key is to say that She is the cause of most of the action in the series. It's her power that caused the Director to try to split the Alpha AI to create something just as powerful. and it failed miserably. The "He" that Church is talking about is his old self. "He always wanted to find you." The old Church couldn't quite get Tex's mind right. Then after a little chat for the end of the world in season 9, He figures it out. He figures out that He's not supposed to say "I love you." He's going to say "I forget you." He lets her go. This made my cry the first time I watched it. HOWEVER, further research goes back into the previous episode and we see Church says "It took a couple of versions of me to understand, but sometimes you just gotta let go. Cuz the things you let go sometimes come back on their own." It took me a couple of tries to figure out what this meant. BUT I believe it's saying that if he lets her go, or forgets her, then he deletes that memory from his mind and has hope that the real her will return to him. He's not getting rid of her, He's freeing her. Tex mentioned once that her greatest fear is being caged. That's what Church was doing in a way. So like I said, He's freeing Tex by saying I forget you.
I thought about the thought processes that went on in Church's mind when he said that. Did he have hope? This may seem kinda silly, but several years ago, I lost one of the closest friends I had ever made. My dog, Goober, of nearly 14 years, got too old. We had to put her down right before Christmas. I loved that dog. I had to hold her down so the Vet could put her to sleep. I hated it. I hated every second. All I wanted to do was just run away. Run from the pain. Hope to never see it again. But that's not what happened. I rode in the back of our van on the way home sitting with Goober one last time as she lay dying. I said goodbye at the vet's office. It took several years, but I was finally able to say "I forget you." I was letting her go free finally. Free to wander all the woods she wanted. Free to chase as many cars down endless dirt roads as she pleased.
It was before this that my great uncle died. Bill Jolly was a great man with a huge heart. He loved me and my brother like we were his own children. He died of lung cancer and I was only blocks away. Helpless to do anything. To say I felt weak was an understatement. I was mowing my grandparents's lawn. I dropped to the ground when my dad told me that Uncle Bill had died only moments before. He had to practically carry me to the car to get over there to comfort my grandmother, who was keeping close watch over him as he died. Sister watching over her brother. Interesting. It should be the other way around. Anyways, that Sunday night, I remember talking about what happens after death in middle school service. It didn't help much. I was bitter and unapproachable for about a month after that. I had begun to doubt God's existence. It was also several years before I was able to say "I forget you." It still is hard to now. I know though that by saying that, I'm letting him know that I have let go of the earthly Uncle Bill in exchange of the hope for the new Uncle Bill in Heaven.
Just three words to end all of the pain. Three words to stop the chaos from happening. Three words to finish the fight. "I forget you."
"I'm letting you go."
"I forget you."
"I'm letting you go."
Okay. Background. This is a really long quote from mostly Church, a character from a popular web series called Red Vs. Blue. The whole series, he's been chasing after this girl bounty hunter (for lack of a better word) named Tex. The show's creators led us to believe that they were supposed to fall in love, and did, in a way. Continuing on with the current story. Tex teams up with a hostile AI (artificial intelligence) and leaves Church and the blue team in a hurry. She crash landed and was presumed missing, possibly dead. But later, after Church, who we find out in season 6 is actually the Alpha AI (a deity of sorts for AIs) "dies" and is resurrected as "Epsilon," He is stuck back into the Epsilon memory unit (like a Computer housing for an AI.) Anyways, He resurrects Tex into his memories. He thinks his world is ending and He gives this little speech to Tex.
NOW to the analyzation. haha. It was Tex who made the Director and Alpha think they could make or be someone/thing more. Tex made Church think he was something useful and the director was made to believe that if the AI was powerful enough to make a whole new person, then He could as well. "Memory is Key" is a phrase that Gamma (another AI) used to send Church a message to give to someone else about the Epsilon memory unit. To say that she was the memory and key is to say that She is the cause of most of the action in the series. It's her power that caused the Director to try to split the Alpha AI to create something just as powerful. and it failed miserably. The "He" that Church is talking about is his old self. "He always wanted to find you." The old Church couldn't quite get Tex's mind right. Then after a little chat for the end of the world in season 9, He figures it out. He figures out that He's not supposed to say "I love you." He's going to say "I forget you." He lets her go. This made my cry the first time I watched it. HOWEVER, further research goes back into the previous episode and we see Church says "It took a couple of versions of me to understand, but sometimes you just gotta let go. Cuz the things you let go sometimes come back on their own." It took me a couple of tries to figure out what this meant. BUT I believe it's saying that if he lets her go, or forgets her, then he deletes that memory from his mind and has hope that the real her will return to him. He's not getting rid of her, He's freeing her. Tex mentioned once that her greatest fear is being caged. That's what Church was doing in a way. So like I said, He's freeing Tex by saying I forget you.
I thought about the thought processes that went on in Church's mind when he said that. Did he have hope? This may seem kinda silly, but several years ago, I lost one of the closest friends I had ever made. My dog, Goober, of nearly 14 years, got too old. We had to put her down right before Christmas. I loved that dog. I had to hold her down so the Vet could put her to sleep. I hated it. I hated every second. All I wanted to do was just run away. Run from the pain. Hope to never see it again. But that's not what happened. I rode in the back of our van on the way home sitting with Goober one last time as she lay dying. I said goodbye at the vet's office. It took several years, but I was finally able to say "I forget you." I was letting her go free finally. Free to wander all the woods she wanted. Free to chase as many cars down endless dirt roads as she pleased.
It was before this that my great uncle died. Bill Jolly was a great man with a huge heart. He loved me and my brother like we were his own children. He died of lung cancer and I was only blocks away. Helpless to do anything. To say I felt weak was an understatement. I was mowing my grandparents's lawn. I dropped to the ground when my dad told me that Uncle Bill had died only moments before. He had to practically carry me to the car to get over there to comfort my grandmother, who was keeping close watch over him as he died. Sister watching over her brother. Interesting. It should be the other way around. Anyways, that Sunday night, I remember talking about what happens after death in middle school service. It didn't help much. I was bitter and unapproachable for about a month after that. I had begun to doubt God's existence. It was also several years before I was able to say "I forget you." It still is hard to now. I know though that by saying that, I'm letting him know that I have let go of the earthly Uncle Bill in exchange of the hope for the new Uncle Bill in Heaven.
Just three words to end all of the pain. Three words to stop the chaos from happening. Three words to finish the fight. "I forget you."
"I'm letting you go."
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