Letter to a friend

This post is directed to my good friend Lauren Townsend. She's been trying to help me every step of the way through this mind shattering process. I'm going to be speaking directly to her in this post, but you're welcome to read what I say.

I already told you that I don't know what to think. I'm torn between two opinions. One that my parents pounded into my head when I was little and what I thought I believed in up until now. And then there's the one that what I've been told is all a lie, that I've been betrayed since the day I was born. I want to say that I feel like God is still trying to reach out to me, but I don't know for sure. I'm starting to look at things from an atheistic point of view. Yeah. Atheistic. I said it. I'm slowly becoming an Atheist. But I want to believe that God is getting to me. funny, I've got the Skillet station on pandora playing in the background, and i keep getting songs like Believe by Skillet, and Wrapped in Your Arms by Fireflight. I want to say that this is God trying to reach out to me to pull me back to him, but I feel like it's just a random chance that these songs are playing for me. Although it pains me to say that I was wrong, I'm gonna have to agree with you in that Rod Reed was speaking directly to me. And again, I want to say that none of what he said was true. I want to, but I just can't get myself to say it. I want to refuse the power of prayer, but I'm seeing bits of evidence that it is working. I want to just give up and run away. Run down 412 and not stop. But at the same time, I want to stay here and see what God will do. If he does exist. I feel my heart break because I can see that I'm pushing you and everyone who is trying to help me away. I want to be right and know that God DOESN'T exist, but I don't want to do that at the cost of losing my friends. It's been so long since I've felt actual human contact like a hug. If I get one tomorrow, I think it may be my breaking point. I want God to exist and I don't want him to exist at the same time. I know it's a stupid and crazy thing to think about. I'm scared. You remember how I've said my greatest fear is being caged, well I feel like that right now. I feel like I've been caged and am being beaten repeatedly. I just want this to stop! I HATE IT!!!! I NEED A BREAK!!!!! I just want God to decide what he's trying to do and if he decides to do something, that it's something I can see. I JUST WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH!!!! DOES HE EXIST OR DOESN'T HE?! I can't tell if he loves me anyways. My life is seriously screwed up. I'm already failing in all my classes, except maybe two. I've started to push my friends away. I'm slowly starving myself because I don't have time to eat a lot with the schedule I'm keeping up. You already know I'm a slow eater and that I take a good deal of time to eat. And I'm going mad with the homework that teachers assign me. I either don't understand it or it just take so long that I lose sleep. And my sleep life is pretty much non-existent. (you probably already knew that, though.) I want to be free of the strain of college. My dad has told me that this semester is the make or break semester and I feel like I'm breaking and about to snap. Two weeks ago when you guys went salsa dancing, I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest when I saw you walk away to go have fun and dance. I felt like that was the starting point of my dilemma. And then you guys keep trying to make plans for spring break around me. It makes me feel like crap because I CAN'T go. It frustrates me when something like that is out of my control. This whole thing frustrates me. I just want to know for sure if God exists and to see that in my life. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy, but this just sucks! To have my foundation of why I chose to come here, what I've been taught all my life, just ripped out from underneath me, IT SUCKS!!!! I just don't know what to think. Like I told you over the phone, I just want to crawl to a corner and cry. I don't know what's going on.