You ever tried looking for yourself? Well, that's about how I feel right now. I don't know who I am. I am an individual that has no idea where he's going or if he's going to make it through this semester. I look at myself in the mirror and don't know who that is I see, but it's not me. I talk to my friends about God, I pretend to know what I'm talking about when I speak to them about what I believe, but I know that I don't believe a word I say. I don't even know who God is. I guess I'm not only looking for myself, but God as well. I am lost. I'm who I'm trying to witness to. I can pretend to know what I'm doing when I talk to others about the God that saves, forgives, and forgets, but in reality, I don't even know who that God is. I'm confused. My friends think I know what I'm talking about. They think I'm still a believer. I guess I'm good at acting like I know. Either that, or I'm really good at keeping my mouth shut.
I guess I can't find God because I can't find myself. I've made the decision to become a youth minister. I don't know how I'm going to do that. I can't help the kids in my situation right now if I can't help myself. How do I find myself? I don't even know what I mean by that! I'm just typing right now. If I was speaking this, I'd probably be shouting at this point. I DON'T KNOW!!!! I could pretend to know. I know my friends will try to help me, but I'm pretty sure this is one battle that they can't help me with. I wish they could. I've told my friends, "I believe in you!" jokingly maybe, but still something that I know I can do to encourage them. I'm not sure I believe in myself. Who am I? That's one question I've been struggling with myself for a while. I don't know how this is going to end, but I can guarantee that it will end either really good or really bad.
I want to say "Can the REAL God step up?" but I know my friends will possibly outcast me. My family will probably outcast me. To know that this past year I've been lying to them. Betrayed them. Lead a double life. Yes. I'm that kid. The one who raises his hands in worship. The one who tries to be a leader to the younger kids in church. The one who's led bible studies, and who's going to lead one in two weeks. I'm part of a guys bible study at JBU and I lead my section in two weeks and then the week after that. I don't know what I'm going to do.
So. All that to say I don't know what I am, who I am, or Whose I am. I don't know who God is. I don't know who I am. So If you believe, or even read my blog, pray for me. You can try to help if you want, just be ready for me to shut you out. (sorry if that sounds blunt, but that's what I do when I feel defenseless.)
I'm not suicidal. I'm too much a happy person for that. But I just want to know what I'm doing has worth and if I what I'm doing is what I WANT to do. So here it goes...
Nathan, I want to tell you right now from the start that you will NOT be outcasted by me. Ever. You are too near and dear to me for me to do that. Plus I know what you're going through. This is a time for us college students where we are stuck in a limbo - we question everything. We question the beliefs that we grew up with, the way things are supposed to be, who our real friends are, etc. Plus, we are learning to grow up. But currently, we're all at a point where we question our faith, where we question who God is and whether He is faithful (or even whether He exists or even cares). We all go through that at some point. Doubts are healthy. The question is, whether we allow those doubts to overcome us and drive us to unbelief. I have personally gone through that stage myself, it was a couple of years ago but I went through it as well. Let me tell you, it was HARD. I questioned whether I was saved and even questioned God Himself. It's part of our human nature. Times may be hard right now, but please PLEASE don't give up. On anything. God is teaching you perseverance right now, Nathan. He's pushing you, but it's part of the sanctification process. Some hard things are needed in order for you to become the man of God that He wants you to be. I'm dealing with that right now myself, as you very well know. If things were easy, then nothing would be worth working for. And I know that God is faithful; He will not give you more than you can handle. It may not seem like it at the time, but when you look back, you will most definitely be able to say, "Look at what I went through! I made it, but I can't give myself the credit; God is what got me through." He will do whatever it takes to make sure He is glorified in our lives. Plus, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I've also learned that God doesn't necessarily give you what you want; He gives you what you NEED. I will most definitely be praying for you no matter what, though. I love you so much, Nathan! Don't give up; God has a plan and a purpose for you, my brother.
ReplyDeletewhy does he give me ADD and a problem with procrastination so that I lose time with friends? Why does he give me friends that sometimes seem oblivious to me? Why does he make me feel like crap for every waking minute I'm alive then? Why does he want me to question him? I remember when I used to think that someday I was going to PRETEND to ask these questions. I'm asking them now. I just want to know why I hurt. I feel like, if he exists, that he's just messing with me for no reason. "Let's make Nathan's life as crappy as possible. Fail his classes, lose sleep because of medical issues, lose friendships because of the way he behaves." I feel like he's trying to make me fall. I know you'd say turn to him, but I don't know where to turn to. I don't know if he really exists. How can i turn to something if i don't know where it is? how can I run to something if I don't know where the open arms will be? I feel like crap everyday of my life. I guess i'm pretty good at hiding it. I'm not sure of anything right now. I'm sorry if i seem blunt. that's just what my heart is spilling out right now, if I can call it that...
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly what Satan wants you to do. God is not trying to make your life as crappy as possible. He is a good God. The only reason our lives suck is because of the sin that entered the world with Adam and Eve. Since then, the world has been a screwed up place to live. Life isn't all daisies and happiness. God never said it would be easy. Why did God seem to let these things happen? Why does He continue to let these things happen? These things are happening because of general sin in our world. God didn't want these things to happen. But that doesn't mean that He can't do anything about it. He just chooses to let us go through the hard times, so He uses them for some sort of good to glorify Himself. I KNOW He does!!! You may not realize it now, but like I've said before, if you keep moving forward and pressing on, it'll be worth it. A change of your major might help with that. Maybe God's letting these things happen to get your attention. Maybe He's trying to guide you where you're supposed to go. Sometimes the hardest things are the things that we need the most to "wake us up," to direct our attention to Him.
ReplyDeleteYou say you don't know where He is. I've realized that when I'm feeling like God is not there, it is only MYSELF that has run away from Him; He never leaves. He never changes. It is only ourselves that fall away and lose sight of Him and question it. I tell my book/Bible study girls this all the time: my spiritual life is a cycle. Life is okay and I'm just rolling along with it, then start to think, "I can handle this myself." Then, things spiral downward, out of control, and I freak out, and I can't handle it. I scream out to God, "Why is this happening to me?!" The Holy Spirit convicts me with the truth that that is EXACTLY where God wants me to be. He wants me to be completely broken at His feet. But not to "kick me while I'm down." He wants me there because I am SO stubborn and stupid that that is the ONLY place where I am finally ready and willing to listen to what He wants me to do. Then I respond with, "Okay, God, I'm ready and willing," let Him take the reins, and start the whole cycle over again. Why does this keep happening? Because I am a stupid, stubborn, and selfish person. (Remember 5th grade Sunday School with my dad and Mr. Puckett? haha)
All of this to say, I can't make you believe anything. Only God can change hearts. He will change your heart, if you allow Him to. Nathan, I believe your in a hard spot (to put it lightly). I won't deny that. But don't let Satan win you over! God may not seem like He is there, but He is! He never leaves us.
Still praying for you, dear friend!